Am going to see my Nanny on Monday. Looking forward to it and also apprehensive. I am glad to get the opportunity to be putting things right, some people never get the chance to say what they want or need to do they? I am getting a chance to salvage something and make it right again and for that I will be eternally grateful.
I picked up my injection from the Doctors surgery today, the last one before I know my fate! There is also a report in there about me to the Doctor who will administer it. In the letter it tells of my symptoms and the Gynae's opinion of my condition which is all fine but in it, it says I am a very pleasant 31 year old!!!! Very pleasant!! ME?!
So the 6 weeks holidays are drawing to an end, just 14 days left. Have enjoyed them immensely but I am so looking forward to them going to school!! My 9 year old has adopted a Kevin and Perry stance of late. It isn't even funny how much attitude she has. The sulky face and the back chat shouldn't be happening yet should they???
Looking forward to next week, not just for tying up some loose ends but also to catch up with my mate L, am going to be a lady wot lunches!!!
Next update will be the final injection!!!!
Thursday 19 August 2010
Thursday 12 August 2010
Going to Stop Living in the Past.
Since I last posted here, I sent the letter to my Nanny. It was a very cathartic letter to write. Nanny responded very quickly. It was a long letter and the contents were not what I expected, to be fair. The letter I received was apologetic, there were admissions of knowing some aspects and explanations of what she did know. It took some time to digest exactly what was in the letter and I went through some strange emotions.
Since this part of my life has come to light, there has been lots of blaming and anger. I have realised that this all came about because of the breakdown I suffered last year, as a result of the PMDD causing it. I realise that one has a profound effect on the other. Everything seems so clear to me now.
If I did not have PMDD I would not have had a breakdown, if I had not had a breakdown I would not have kept the abuse a secret. If I had not spoken about it I would never have dealt with it. And there is my reason for appreciating this condition. I wouldn't want anyone to be suffering with it, but if it makes you realise some things that are important or makes you deal with something you would never have done in any other circumstances then that has to be a positive.
In dealing with this abuse with my family I have come to realise what else is important. Me. I don't want to grow old and be bitter forever. I want to move on and forward and live my life for me and my family. I need to get on with my life, I have had a year of wallowing and dealing with it and the previous 30 years wearing a mask to cover it up. My life is so totally different now but there is one thing missing. Nanny.
I am travelling up to see her on 23rd. I miss her, I love her and I want to have her in my life before she dies. I want to salvage something from this mess and put it all in the past, move on and forward and live my life. I want to forgive and lay it to rest, I don't want to be consumed by anger and hatred. I don't want to blame people and wonder "what if something had been done". The truth is, nothing can change now. It happened, but I am still here. I have a family, I have my children, my Husband, wonderful friends and most importantly I have a strength.
I am me no matter what has happened to me or what I have done, these things all make me who I am. I can't be defined as a survivor, a victim, a strong person or a weak person because I am all of those things for differing reasons. I just hope that I am a good person and one who, one day, will be understood.
Since this part of my life has come to light, there has been lots of blaming and anger. I have realised that this all came about because of the breakdown I suffered last year, as a result of the PMDD causing it. I realise that one has a profound effect on the other. Everything seems so clear to me now.
If I did not have PMDD I would not have had a breakdown, if I had not had a breakdown I would not have kept the abuse a secret. If I had not spoken about it I would never have dealt with it. And there is my reason for appreciating this condition. I wouldn't want anyone to be suffering with it, but if it makes you realise some things that are important or makes you deal with something you would never have done in any other circumstances then that has to be a positive.
In dealing with this abuse with my family I have come to realise what else is important. Me. I don't want to grow old and be bitter forever. I want to move on and forward and live my life for me and my family. I need to get on with my life, I have had a year of wallowing and dealing with it and the previous 30 years wearing a mask to cover it up. My life is so totally different now but there is one thing missing. Nanny.
I am travelling up to see her on 23rd. I miss her, I love her and I want to have her in my life before she dies. I want to salvage something from this mess and put it all in the past, move on and forward and live my life. I want to forgive and lay it to rest, I don't want to be consumed by anger and hatred. I don't want to blame people and wonder "what if something had been done". The truth is, nothing can change now. It happened, but I am still here. I have a family, I have my children, my Husband, wonderful friends and most importantly I have a strength.
I am me no matter what has happened to me or what I have done, these things all make me who I am. I can't be defined as a survivor, a victim, a strong person or a weak person because I am all of those things for differing reasons. I just hope that I am a good person and one who, one day, will be understood.
Friday 16 July 2010
Silence speaks volumes
I had a bizarre dream last night. I was dreaming about talking on the phone to Nanny, it was a normal conversation, exactly like it used to be. No effort, no awkwardness, just pure enjoyment of our conversation.
Still no contact though.
Still no contact though.
Tuesday 13 July 2010
Dear Nanny
After getting if off my chest about my feelings towards my Nan, I have written her a letter. I am sending it to her.
Not sure if I will publish the letter yet, it is quite personal.
Not sure if I will publish the letter yet, it is quite personal.
Monday 12 July 2010
Random Musings
Something has been niggling away at my brain. I haven't spoken about it to anyone as I don't really know what to say about it all. It has been there for a while now. My Nanny has not phoned me, spoken to me, written to me or had any contact with me since the last can of worms was opened. Not a single bit of contact.
Is this how much I am worth to her? That she can hide her guilt within and carry on her life without having to deal with anything? She can bury it all and not deal with it and cut off anyone who is hurting because she doesn't want to face up to it? As if it isn't bad enough to be let down by her in the first place, now I have been rejected by her too.
Yet the thing is, I am not upset about it to the extent of crying my eyes and willing her to call me. Truth be told, it is quite nice not having to make idle conversation that means fuck all. I am relieved to not have to talk to her because I could not bare to listen to meaningless crap she would talk about. But at the same time, I am scared that now I have lost her altogether. She has terminal Cancer and is 84 years old, she hasn't got many years left in her. She has totally denied all knowledge of my Grandfathers reign of abuse, yet was totally aware and even went so far as to allow him to do it. I should be glad of the lack of contact, I should be glad that she hasn't much time left. But I love her. I can't help it, I cannot switch off all the good memories I have with her, all the hours I have spent on the phone talking meaningless crap! I used to enjoy just hearing her voice, she has such a comforting voice. But that same comforting voice I used to love just sounds like a stranger, and I couldn't wait to get off the phone any time she called.
Why has it all gone so wrong? Everything turned upside down and whilst us lot down here are dealing with the fallout, she has buried her head and refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing, and more than that, refuses to even accept that anything bad has happened at all.
But, moving on, have I updated since my injection??? If I haven't then all was fine! No pain this time, just a bruise and the usual tiredness.
We have some wonderful weather at the moment though so I really don't have anything to complain about!
Is this how much I am worth to her? That she can hide her guilt within and carry on her life without having to deal with anything? She can bury it all and not deal with it and cut off anyone who is hurting because she doesn't want to face up to it? As if it isn't bad enough to be let down by her in the first place, now I have been rejected by her too.
Yet the thing is, I am not upset about it to the extent of crying my eyes and willing her to call me. Truth be told, it is quite nice not having to make idle conversation that means fuck all. I am relieved to not have to talk to her because I could not bare to listen to meaningless crap she would talk about. But at the same time, I am scared that now I have lost her altogether. She has terminal Cancer and is 84 years old, she hasn't got many years left in her. She has totally denied all knowledge of my Grandfathers reign of abuse, yet was totally aware and even went so far as to allow him to do it. I should be glad of the lack of contact, I should be glad that she hasn't much time left. But I love her. I can't help it, I cannot switch off all the good memories I have with her, all the hours I have spent on the phone talking meaningless crap! I used to enjoy just hearing her voice, she has such a comforting voice. But that same comforting voice I used to love just sounds like a stranger, and I couldn't wait to get off the phone any time she called.
Why has it all gone so wrong? Everything turned upside down and whilst us lot down here are dealing with the fallout, she has buried her head and refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing, and more than that, refuses to even accept that anything bad has happened at all.
But, moving on, have I updated since my injection??? If I haven't then all was fine! No pain this time, just a bruise and the usual tiredness.
We have some wonderful weather at the moment though so I really don't have anything to complain about!
Monday 5 July 2010
So tired...
4th injection was had on Wednesday last week. All was fine, did not even flinch. I have got used to it and the nurse is well practised now! However, the tiredness still knocks me sideways. It is like being hit by a bus, the kind of tiredness that makes you ache from head to toe. It lasted all the way through the weekend, but I think that was partly the injection and partly that my Son was not well so I had broken sleep anyway.
The physical symptoms of Menopause seem to be really kicking in, sporadic bleeds, hot sweats, terrible skin and the occasional outburst of anger. But the physical symptoms of PMDD are almost gone. You could say that the anger was related to one of three things, could be PMDD, Menopause or the trauma. Maybe I am just an angry person??!!
I don't have any crippling pain anymore, no fear of the coming weeks which led to the anxiety and panic attacks and no suicidal tendencies at the end of two weeks of hell. I do still get the panic which rises when I am out of my comfort zone. Being in our little town is like being in a bubble, same people out and about, regular faces and familiar sights, so stepping outside of that is hard. I can go to see family and I can go to unfamiliar places with family, but outside of that I know I can't do it. Not yet anyway. I am getting better though, it was only last year I was too scared to even drive anywhere. For me to not drive I must have been in a bad way, I love driving, it was the one thing I could not wait to do. I took my first driving lesson on my 17th birthday and passed my test within 3 months!
There are only two more injections before my review. I am trying not to get my hopes up that there will be a unanimous decision to get me in for surgery to have a full hysterectomy quickly. But that is what I want. My life is still pretty much on hold until I know that is the answer, there are things I want to do but I can't commit to them until I know what the timescale of completing my treatment is. But I do know I want a hysterectomy, my life is transformed by these injections and if this is how life will be then I want it. I want life to be like this all the time, without fear of the coming weeks and the constant worry about how I will feel the next day or next week or whether I need to hide indoors because I can't go out for fear of bleeding and flooding the place!
Roll on September.
The physical symptoms of Menopause seem to be really kicking in, sporadic bleeds, hot sweats, terrible skin and the occasional outburst of anger. But the physical symptoms of PMDD are almost gone. You could say that the anger was related to one of three things, could be PMDD, Menopause or the trauma. Maybe I am just an angry person??!!
I don't have any crippling pain anymore, no fear of the coming weeks which led to the anxiety and panic attacks and no suicidal tendencies at the end of two weeks of hell. I do still get the panic which rises when I am out of my comfort zone. Being in our little town is like being in a bubble, same people out and about, regular faces and familiar sights, so stepping outside of that is hard. I can go to see family and I can go to unfamiliar places with family, but outside of that I know I can't do it. Not yet anyway. I am getting better though, it was only last year I was too scared to even drive anywhere. For me to not drive I must have been in a bad way, I love driving, it was the one thing I could not wait to do. I took my first driving lesson on my 17th birthday and passed my test within 3 months!
There are only two more injections before my review. I am trying not to get my hopes up that there will be a unanimous decision to get me in for surgery to have a full hysterectomy quickly. But that is what I want. My life is still pretty much on hold until I know that is the answer, there are things I want to do but I can't commit to them until I know what the timescale of completing my treatment is. But I do know I want a hysterectomy, my life is transformed by these injections and if this is how life will be then I want it. I want life to be like this all the time, without fear of the coming weeks and the constant worry about how I will feel the next day or next week or whether I need to hide indoors because I can't go out for fear of bleeding and flooding the place!
Roll on September.
Sunday 27 June 2010
It's all good, even if England are out of the World Cup!
Just a little update to say that life is good, it really is. I am due my next injection on Wednesday (3 days time) and I am not really that bothered about it this time. Then there will be just 2 more and then my appointment back at the hospital to determine the next step. I am quite excited really, if this is how my life can be then bring on the surgery!!
In other news, the boy went for his first school visit last week, it was a roaring success and he had to be prised off the school gate on the way OUT!!!!! He has another visit tomorrow afternoon.
My girl had a sports competition with the school last week and the school won!!
All in all, apart from the financial problems, life is very good. Long may it continue!!!
In other news, the boy went for his first school visit last week, it was a roaring success and he had to be prised off the school gate on the way OUT!!!!! He has another visit tomorrow afternoon.
My girl had a sports competition with the school last week and the school won!!
All in all, apart from the financial problems, life is very good. Long may it continue!!!
Wednesday 16 June 2010
The day after a downer
Feeling much more chipper today! Had a good cry last night and through a waterfall of snot and tears snivelled about how rubbish I am on days like those. Made all kinds of rubbish complaints about how I am a useless Mother and I haven't done any housework and therefore am a rubbish Wife too. But my Husband, very lovingly, pointed out that I had in fact successfully got through the day with two children still very much alive, fed and cared for. So that was a bonus!
I can't have been as bad as I thought because I was able to give him a 45 minute run down of the Brazil V S. Korea game!
Bless my lovely friend C, she took me off to the supermarket with her this morning so that I was not on my own, I think it was just a ploy to make me push the trolley, but I am grateful nevertheless!!!
I am glad that yesterday is over. I think my defences to those sorts of days are rather low, having not had those days all too often in the last 3 months. But having had that day yesterday, it made me realise just how far I have come. Those days lasted for 2 weeks not 6 months ago. Now I just have one day like that every couple of months. That is major progression and I shouldn't lose sight of that fact.
Onwards and upwards, as always :O)
I can't have been as bad as I thought because I was able to give him a 45 minute run down of the Brazil V S. Korea game!
Bless my lovely friend C, she took me off to the supermarket with her this morning so that I was not on my own, I think it was just a ploy to make me push the trolley, but I am grateful nevertheless!!!
I am glad that yesterday is over. I think my defences to those sorts of days are rather low, having not had those days all too often in the last 3 months. But having had that day yesterday, it made me realise just how far I have come. Those days lasted for 2 weeks not 6 months ago. Now I just have one day like that every couple of months. That is major progression and I shouldn't lose sight of that fact.
Onwards and upwards, as always :O)
Tuesday 15 June 2010
Anger
Add that to the list. I am so bloody angry at the world. Everyone in it and all that they stand for.
People are so selfish, they stand back at do nothing and other people suffer.
I am suffering and none of this is my fault.
I will never understand.
People are so selfish, they stand back at do nothing and other people suffer.
I am suffering and none of this is my fault.
I will never understand.
Days like this take me by surprise
It is a down day. I know I shouldn't be so frustrated by it, but when you get used to feeling normal a day like this knocks me for six. I am tired, bloated, hungry, miserable and fed up with everything today. I know the reason is because of my useless body but it doesn't make me feel any better. I also know that tomorrow I will feel a whole lot better, but what if I don't?
I can be positive on the good days, money won't get me down and the lack of any income can be brushed off with "we have each other", but not today. I am so sick of living like this. We have never been so poor, we have an income of zero and outgoings of astronomical proportions. The figures don't add up and yet I don't see a solution.
I have a really upset tum today, I always get this at the begining of a cycle. I just hate the tiredness I feel. I literally have no energy.
This is the most depressing update ever so I shall just leave it there.
I can be positive on the good days, money won't get me down and the lack of any income can be brushed off with "we have each other", but not today. I am so sick of living like this. We have never been so poor, we have an income of zero and outgoings of astronomical proportions. The figures don't add up and yet I don't see a solution.
I have a really upset tum today, I always get this at the begining of a cycle. I just hate the tiredness I feel. I literally have no energy.
This is the most depressing update ever so I shall just leave it there.
Tuesday 8 June 2010
A month!!!
Nearly a whole month since I last updated! That could mean two things, either things have been so good that I have been too busy to update or things have been so horrendous that I have been unable to put it all down. Thankfully it is mostly the former!!
Things are good, I had my 3rd injection last Wednesday and this time I had to take the children with me. They were really good, they sat and watched and asked questions like "why do you have to have two injections, what is the first one and what is the second one?" and Nursey and I answered them very matter of factly for them. It was a positive experience actually! I wasn't able to get worked out about it and the children learned a bit more and saw what injections look like on some one else!
My moods have really calmed down, I have not had a single "mental phase" at all since the first injection and I have hardly had any bad days at all. I am really looking forward to my review in September to see exactly what the consultants will decide next. Hopefully it will be a very simple procedure to get me booked in for a hysterectomy. I am really positive about it, I know it is final and I am completely happy with it. My life has totally transformed in the last 3 months, I actually have a life again. I no longer have to dread each week and what it will bring, I can plan ahead without having to work out where in my cycle I will be. The feeling of freedom from my own body is exhilarating!
On the flip side, more worms were released from the can. The girl I can always remember being abused by Grandfather is now known to me. We have had contact and we now know about each other. In a way, it has been another nail in his coffin for me. I had always known about her and knew that she was abused and yet I did not know what the connection was or how she came to be at my Grandparents house. She was the one person I knew for a fact was abused. Everyone else throughout my life has been a question mark. Did it happen to my Mum? My Sister? My Cousins? I never had any evidence or concrete reasons to ask anything, for fear of it not happening to them and then being called a liar. But with "C", I knew. I had often looked through my Grandmothers photo albums and seen her and wondered. So, then there were 9. How many more? I don't think we will ever know. Maybe it is best not to.
I had a very strange dream last week. I woke up crying, I was crying so hard in my sleep. I only remember bits of it, but it was all to do with being at a party or something, my Aunt arrived and I went berserk, shouting and screaming and crying. I still have anger issues, but I think they are more sub-concious now. I do feel it every now and then, but I have control over it. I guess it is only natural to be angry? I spent 30 years hiding this secret from my family, then to find out that so many people knew about him and not one person did anything to protect me. 14 years I suffered, 14 years at his hands and everyone else just protected themselves and their own. And now I feel the burn in my chest. That is where the anger is. Just waiting to come out. But I won't let it.
On the positive side of my life, we have a new found social life with wonderful friends and we have a wonderful life right now. It is the people in your life who make your life what it is. Not money or things. Yes, money would help. Lots! But money doesn't buy you the memories which you take forward in your life, and I have lots of good memories to make up for :O)
Things are good, I had my 3rd injection last Wednesday and this time I had to take the children with me. They were really good, they sat and watched and asked questions like "why do you have to have two injections, what is the first one and what is the second one?" and Nursey and I answered them very matter of factly for them. It was a positive experience actually! I wasn't able to get worked out about it and the children learned a bit more and saw what injections look like on some one else!
My moods have really calmed down, I have not had a single "mental phase" at all since the first injection and I have hardly had any bad days at all. I am really looking forward to my review in September to see exactly what the consultants will decide next. Hopefully it will be a very simple procedure to get me booked in for a hysterectomy. I am really positive about it, I know it is final and I am completely happy with it. My life has totally transformed in the last 3 months, I actually have a life again. I no longer have to dread each week and what it will bring, I can plan ahead without having to work out where in my cycle I will be. The feeling of freedom from my own body is exhilarating!
On the flip side, more worms were released from the can. The girl I can always remember being abused by Grandfather is now known to me. We have had contact and we now know about each other. In a way, it has been another nail in his coffin for me. I had always known about her and knew that she was abused and yet I did not know what the connection was or how she came to be at my Grandparents house. She was the one person I knew for a fact was abused. Everyone else throughout my life has been a question mark. Did it happen to my Mum? My Sister? My Cousins? I never had any evidence or concrete reasons to ask anything, for fear of it not happening to them and then being called a liar. But with "C", I knew. I had often looked through my Grandmothers photo albums and seen her and wondered. So, then there were 9. How many more? I don't think we will ever know. Maybe it is best not to.
I had a very strange dream last week. I woke up crying, I was crying so hard in my sleep. I only remember bits of it, but it was all to do with being at a party or something, my Aunt arrived and I went berserk, shouting and screaming and crying. I still have anger issues, but I think they are more sub-concious now. I do feel it every now and then, but I have control over it. I guess it is only natural to be angry? I spent 30 years hiding this secret from my family, then to find out that so many people knew about him and not one person did anything to protect me. 14 years I suffered, 14 years at his hands and everyone else just protected themselves and their own. And now I feel the burn in my chest. That is where the anger is. Just waiting to come out. But I won't let it.
On the positive side of my life, we have a new found social life with wonderful friends and we have a wonderful life right now. It is the people in your life who make your life what it is. Not money or things. Yes, money would help. Lots! But money doesn't buy you the memories which you take forward in your life, and I have lots of good memories to make up for :O)
Monday 10 May 2010
My Poor Neglected Blog!
I seem to be feeling so well that I have neglected you, blog! Maybe this is a good thing, but I can't share my progress if I fail to tell you all how well I am feeling, can I?
I had my second injection last Wednesday. The anticipation was far worse than the moment itself. I dragged a friend into the Nurse's room with me, this wasn't planned, it is just that I saw her getting a repeat prescription so I bundled her into the waiting room and told her to hold my hand LOL!! Once again I had the local anaesthetic and then the Zoladex. Once again I ended up with a dead leg for a few hours! I don't know how this occurs, but it must be something to do with where the local is injected (lower right hand side of abdomen) that it affects the quad muscle. The bruising is not bad this time either. I was a bit sore for 3 days, but on the whole, this time was much better!
Part of this process is, obviously, Psychological and so I do feel better because I know I am getting treatment. However, there must be something right and this must be the right treatment, otherwise I would still be having horrendous pain and suicidal tendencies still wouldn't I? So many things have changed, it is like being a new person again. I can't even say it is like being the old me again, because I have never been "right".
This coming Saturday, the 15th May, will be a year since I told my Sister about the abuse I went through. It feels like a significant milestone, something to celebrate and yet, it isn't something to celebrate at all. How do you celebrate turning your whole world upside down and breaking the hearts of the people you love most? But in a year, a small space of time really, I have become a completely different person.
For the first time ever I am me, just me. I no longer have to mask anything, hide anything, pretend about anything, put on a brave face or fake my happiness. Can you imagine just how immense that feels? I can be me, and I really don't care how that portrayal of me comes across anymore, because I am not pretending. I think I have come to accept me for who I am. No, not everyone will like me and that is fine because I am no longer bending to conform to what everyone else wants or expects. I don't have to pretend to be "normal" so that people won't guess my secret. It is all rather liberating.
PMDD and Abuse are two aspects of my life, but they don't make me who I am. I am a Mother, I am a Daughter, a Wife, a Sister, a friend and rather nice person.
I rock :O)
I had my second injection last Wednesday. The anticipation was far worse than the moment itself. I dragged a friend into the Nurse's room with me, this wasn't planned, it is just that I saw her getting a repeat prescription so I bundled her into the waiting room and told her to hold my hand LOL!! Once again I had the local anaesthetic and then the Zoladex. Once again I ended up with a dead leg for a few hours! I don't know how this occurs, but it must be something to do with where the local is injected (lower right hand side of abdomen) that it affects the quad muscle. The bruising is not bad this time either. I was a bit sore for 3 days, but on the whole, this time was much better!
Part of this process is, obviously, Psychological and so I do feel better because I know I am getting treatment. However, there must be something right and this must be the right treatment, otherwise I would still be having horrendous pain and suicidal tendencies still wouldn't I? So many things have changed, it is like being a new person again. I can't even say it is like being the old me again, because I have never been "right".
This coming Saturday, the 15th May, will be a year since I told my Sister about the abuse I went through. It feels like a significant milestone, something to celebrate and yet, it isn't something to celebrate at all. How do you celebrate turning your whole world upside down and breaking the hearts of the people you love most? But in a year, a small space of time really, I have become a completely different person.
For the first time ever I am me, just me. I no longer have to mask anything, hide anything, pretend about anything, put on a brave face or fake my happiness. Can you imagine just how immense that feels? I can be me, and I really don't care how that portrayal of me comes across anymore, because I am not pretending. I think I have come to accept me for who I am. No, not everyone will like me and that is fine because I am no longer bending to conform to what everyone else wants or expects. I don't have to pretend to be "normal" so that people won't guess my secret. It is all rather liberating.
PMDD and Abuse are two aspects of my life, but they don't make me who I am. I am a Mother, I am a Daughter, a Wife, a Sister, a friend and rather nice person.
I rock :O)
Tuesday 4 May 2010
A change is a-coming!
I can honestly say I have not felt this good for a VERY long time. Things are already starting to get better and I kid you not, I am fighting fit and ready to rumble! It is now a month since my last injection - I am having my next one tomorrow, the difference is astounding. I have had no pain really, maybe some niggles, nothing major. I have not had any major mood swings, just one day at mid cycle. Nothing the day before myu period arrived which was always the suicidal day.
Yes, I have had some other ailments to put up with, the odd hot flush and bad skin but on the whole I would put up with those a million times over compared to what my life was like before Zoladex!
I have just had the most brilliant weekend with friends. It has been a bank holiday this weekend and over the course of 3 days I have consumed my body weight in wine and slept barely enough to keep functioning but hell it was fun!!!!! I could never imagine how free I would feel after the last few years. I doubt this weekend would have been like that at all, had I not started these injections already.
I am dreading tomorrows injection. Now I am aware of how bad the injection really is, I dread it! But it will be over by 10.30 and the local will wear off by the afternoon and I know to take some pain killers when I get home now. So whilst I am dreading it, I am prepared. It is not much to sacrifice for all the freedom I have had this past month.
I am now looking forward to September when I go back to the consultant and tell them it is working!!!!
Here is to many more happy posts!
Yes, I have had some other ailments to put up with, the odd hot flush and bad skin but on the whole I would put up with those a million times over compared to what my life was like before Zoladex!
I have just had the most brilliant weekend with friends. It has been a bank holiday this weekend and over the course of 3 days I have consumed my body weight in wine and slept barely enough to keep functioning but hell it was fun!!!!! I could never imagine how free I would feel after the last few years. I doubt this weekend would have been like that at all, had I not started these injections already.
I am dreading tomorrows injection. Now I am aware of how bad the injection really is, I dread it! But it will be over by 10.30 and the local will wear off by the afternoon and I know to take some pain killers when I get home now. So whilst I am dreading it, I am prepared. It is not much to sacrifice for all the freedom I have had this past month.
I am now looking forward to September when I go back to the consultant and tell them it is working!!!!
Here is to many more happy posts!
Saturday 24 April 2010
The up's and down's of this treatment so far
It has been a very strange week and a bit. I hit mid cycle just over a week ago and it affected me hugely, I became very suicidal day. My Daughter was away with her Grandparents and I only had my 3 year old Son with me. If he was away with her I wouldn't be here now.
Up until now I have had crippling pain and mood plummet with mid cycle, but I don't think I have ever been suicidal like that. The plus point, as there is one, is that I didn't have the pain I have always had before. I am taking this to mean that things must be changing to help me.
Since that Thursday I have been OK. It took a few days to get over that emotional exhaustion, but I wasn't quite so down as I usually am at the end of my cycle. The next change I have noticed, is that the second half of my cycle is much shorter. This cycle, the second half of my cycle has been just 9 days. I haven't been in much pain at all, in fact, I had no warning of the arrival of a period at all this time! I haven't had the mood swings as much towards the end of the cycle. The only symptom I have had is craving sweet things again. But even that I have been able to control much better than normal.
I have started to read a book, on recommendation of a dear friend, called The Beck Diet Solution. Dr Beck treats patients with food and eating problems, disordered thinking and self control. It has proved to be the best self help book I have ever bought, much of it makes sense. I am only on day 4 of reading through the plan and so far am finding that the things I do, with regards to eating, are totally fixable. I need to rethink my approach to food and make some subtle changes and this book is really helping with that.
The next injection is in just over a week and hopefully some more changes for the better will come with it.
Up until now I have had crippling pain and mood plummet with mid cycle, but I don't think I have ever been suicidal like that. The plus point, as there is one, is that I didn't have the pain I have always had before. I am taking this to mean that things must be changing to help me.
Since that Thursday I have been OK. It took a few days to get over that emotional exhaustion, but I wasn't quite so down as I usually am at the end of my cycle. The next change I have noticed, is that the second half of my cycle is much shorter. This cycle, the second half of my cycle has been just 9 days. I haven't been in much pain at all, in fact, I had no warning of the arrival of a period at all this time! I haven't had the mood swings as much towards the end of the cycle. The only symptom I have had is craving sweet things again. But even that I have been able to control much better than normal.
I have started to read a book, on recommendation of a dear friend, called The Beck Diet Solution. Dr Beck treats patients with food and eating problems, disordered thinking and self control. It has proved to be the best self help book I have ever bought, much of it makes sense. I am only on day 4 of reading through the plan and so far am finding that the things I do, with regards to eating, are totally fixable. I need to rethink my approach to food and make some subtle changes and this book is really helping with that.
The next injection is in just over a week and hopefully some more changes for the better will come with it.
Thursday 15 April 2010
Being an oustsider
Feeling pretty crap today. I can't even put into words how I feel today. I feel like I am such an outsider, that no one can really understand how I am feeling because even I don't. I feel a mixture of everything, but mostly I feel the paranoia has kicked in. I don't trust anyone. I have always been pretty open about how I am feeling, the reasons might not have been given but I wear my heart on my sleeve. But in doing so I have made my life open for all to scrutinise and judge.
The thing with PMDD is that, because so few people have it or have been diagnosed with it, no one can say "oh yeah I understand".
I feel like the only person in the world at the moment who is being made to go through a menopause only to have to have a hysterectomy at the end anyway.
It is all just shit.
The tablets are making me have hot flushes, I am craving sweet things constantly, gaining weight and have spots galore.
Yet even though these things are making me feel crap, what am I doing? Eating more shit and doing no exercise. I give up, I am so flaky. I can't even stop myself from eating crap. I eat crap, I put on weight, I put on weight, I feel lousy, I feel lousy, I eat more crap.... and so on.
Right now, I just want to disappear from the world.
The thing with PMDD is that, because so few people have it or have been diagnosed with it, no one can say "oh yeah I understand".
I feel like the only person in the world at the moment who is being made to go through a menopause only to have to have a hysterectomy at the end anyway.
It is all just shit.
The tablets are making me have hot flushes, I am craving sweet things constantly, gaining weight and have spots galore.
Yet even though these things are making me feel crap, what am I doing? Eating more shit and doing no exercise. I give up, I am so flaky. I can't even stop myself from eating crap. I eat crap, I put on weight, I put on weight, I feel lousy, I feel lousy, I eat more crap.... and so on.
Right now, I just want to disappear from the world.
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Need some normality!
What a few days this has been!
Friday of last week I spent a lovely day in London at the Natural History Museum, met up with a friend and her boys. We have talked online for years via a parenting website we both used and then moved on to Facebook and after about 6 years or so we finally met! It was lovely, as if we had known each other all our lives! The children all got on and they were all brilliant. I had a wonderful day. Except my voice started croaking. The next day I had full blown laryngitis and a heavy cold and sore throat.
I spent Saturday in bed and my Mum and Dad's house, wallowing because of the illness and also because I had cruel ovulation pains. They occupied the children and my Husband came over later on for dinner with us all.
Sunday I slept most of the day until my Husband went to work. He was picking up some people from the Tottenham V Portsmouth game. He was out from late afternoon and I just let the kids play, without much stress, I just had no energy.
At 7.15 I was just thinking about getting the youngest into bed when he ran through the kitchen and hit his head on the corner of the worktop. A lump came up straight away and he had a small cut. The lump was so big, he was retching and gagging and so I called an ambulance. We ended up in an ambulance off to hospital because it was quite a knock. My Husband had his phone off because he was working and it was late when I actually got to speak to him, by the time he arrived at the hospital, we had been seen, cleaned up and discharged!
He was fine yesterday and we went out to meet another friend at a big play park. Yet again this was another friend who I have known online for years! It was a lovely day all round, my sister came along and we all had a really nice day.
Toady is the first day over this Easter holiday that I have nothing "busy" to be getting on with! So we are all going to potter around on the allotment this morning, before my Son has a party this afternoon.
Update on injection site - still bruised. Ow.
Feeling - OK.
Just to clarify - I have lots of real life friends too LOL!!!
Friday of last week I spent a lovely day in London at the Natural History Museum, met up with a friend and her boys. We have talked online for years via a parenting website we both used and then moved on to Facebook and after about 6 years or so we finally met! It was lovely, as if we had known each other all our lives! The children all got on and they were all brilliant. I had a wonderful day. Except my voice started croaking. The next day I had full blown laryngitis and a heavy cold and sore throat.
I spent Saturday in bed and my Mum and Dad's house, wallowing because of the illness and also because I had cruel ovulation pains. They occupied the children and my Husband came over later on for dinner with us all.
Sunday I slept most of the day until my Husband went to work. He was picking up some people from the Tottenham V Portsmouth game. He was out from late afternoon and I just let the kids play, without much stress, I just had no energy.
At 7.15 I was just thinking about getting the youngest into bed when he ran through the kitchen and hit his head on the corner of the worktop. A lump came up straight away and he had a small cut. The lump was so big, he was retching and gagging and so I called an ambulance. We ended up in an ambulance off to hospital because it was quite a knock. My Husband had his phone off because he was working and it was late when I actually got to speak to him, by the time he arrived at the hospital, we had been seen, cleaned up and discharged!
He was fine yesterday and we went out to meet another friend at a big play park. Yet again this was another friend who I have known online for years! It was a lovely day all round, my sister came along and we all had a really nice day.
Toady is the first day over this Easter holiday that I have nothing "busy" to be getting on with! So we are all going to potter around on the allotment this morning, before my Son has a party this afternoon.
Update on injection site - still bruised. Ow.
Feeling - OK.
Just to clarify - I have lots of real life friends too LOL!!!
Thursday 8 April 2010
First injection over with
Had my first Zoladex injection yesterday. Not very pleasant but it was OK. Had a local anaesthetic in my tummy, just next to my naval and then the Zoladex. It is a gel implant that releases over the 28 days. The local hurt more than the Zoladex, but I can totally understand the need for a local - that needle is BRUTAL! It goes in at a 45 degree angle and it goes quite deep. Had a blood spill after but was soon mopped up and plastered and off I went.
The walk home (less than 5 minutes) took a bit longer as the local anaesthetic took hold of my quad muscle!!! I honestly thought my leg would collapse and I would have to drag myself back home with my fingertips!
Felt fine all day apart from being a bit bruised and sore, until last night. I felt a bit ropey but put it down to being up from 4.30. My son had had a small accident and wet his pyjama bottoms so had to sort him out at silly o'clock. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so I went downstairs at 5am and did a 50 minute workout!
I went to bed at 9.30pm last night and read my book for a while but I just felt more and more nauseas until I got to the point I had to get up and make sure I wasn't going to vomit. I eventually got to sleep but I was so hot and sick.
I had a lay in this morning until about 8.15am, neither of the children arose until then so that helped. I still feel a bit rough but I guess I will for a while yet, just until my body adjusts.
Have been exercising and eating healthy, I am determined not to gain weight with these injections and tablets I am taking. I struggle with my weight as it is, I need to work hard to lose weight normally, let alone with more chemicals surging around my body.
Right now I need to get up and get showered without throwing up my breakfast. Wish me luck with that!
The walk home (less than 5 minutes) took a bit longer as the local anaesthetic took hold of my quad muscle!!! I honestly thought my leg would collapse and I would have to drag myself back home with my fingertips!
Felt fine all day apart from being a bit bruised and sore, until last night. I felt a bit ropey but put it down to being up from 4.30. My son had had a small accident and wet his pyjama bottoms so had to sort him out at silly o'clock. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so I went downstairs at 5am and did a 50 minute workout!
I went to bed at 9.30pm last night and read my book for a while but I just felt more and more nauseas until I got to the point I had to get up and make sure I wasn't going to vomit. I eventually got to sleep but I was so hot and sick.
I had a lay in this morning until about 8.15am, neither of the children arose until then so that helped. I still feel a bit rough but I guess I will for a while yet, just until my body adjusts.
Have been exercising and eating healthy, I am determined not to gain weight with these injections and tablets I am taking. I struggle with my weight as it is, I need to work hard to lose weight normally, let alone with more chemicals surging around my body.
Right now I need to get up and get showered without throwing up my breakfast. Wish me luck with that!
Friday 2 April 2010
A new start
It is 1am and I have just had a friend round for the evening, been having a drink.
First thing tomorrow I start HRT. I have sworn to myself that I will look after myself and pose minimal risk to myself. No easy feat when you have such self loathing. But I need to do this for my children. They need a Mum who is in good physical health and sound of mind.
I need to eat healthy and be fit. It is the only way.
First thing tomorrow I start HRT. I have sworn to myself that I will look after myself and pose minimal risk to myself. No easy feat when you have such self loathing. But I need to do this for my children. They need a Mum who is in good physical health and sound of mind.
I need to eat healthy and be fit. It is the only way.
Thursday 1 April 2010
Zoladex
Had an appointment for the first injection this morning. The surgery, in their wisdom, did not order in the injection. So I have to go back next Wednesday morning, due to it being a 4 day weekend for Easter.
The injection I will be having every month is Zoladex. I googled it to find out a bit more about it. It turns out it is a Cancer treatment, used to treat breast and prostate cancers. Not loving the idea of an abdominal injection :-\
There are several side effects with it, hot sweats and flushes, weight gain (great as already have a problem with that anyway), Osteoporosis, migraine, upset stomach and whole host of itchy rashes /hives problems. Fantastic. I get to go from mental person every two weeks to a sweaty, red, fat, vomiting freak with a headache. Delightful.
I was really upset this morning when they told me that they had not ordered in the medication, I had psyched myself up for it. On the other hand, at least I got to find out a bit more about it before I have it.
I am starting the HRT today though. This takes me up to 60mg Citalopram (one tablet of 40mg and one of 20mg) 15mg Busparone (3 x 5mg per day) 1 multivit with iron, one 2.5mg Tibolone per day. You will hear me rattle as I approach.
The injection I will be having every month is Zoladex. I googled it to find out a bit more about it. It turns out it is a Cancer treatment, used to treat breast and prostate cancers. Not loving the idea of an abdominal injection :-\
There are several side effects with it, hot sweats and flushes, weight gain (great as already have a problem with that anyway), Osteoporosis, migraine, upset stomach and whole host of itchy rashes /hives problems. Fantastic. I get to go from mental person every two weeks to a sweaty, red, fat, vomiting freak with a headache. Delightful.
I was really upset this morning when they told me that they had not ordered in the medication, I had psyched myself up for it. On the other hand, at least I got to find out a bit more about it before I have it.
I am starting the HRT today though. This takes me up to 60mg Citalopram (one tablet of 40mg and one of 20mg) 15mg Busparone (3 x 5mg per day) 1 multivit with iron, one 2.5mg Tibolone per day. You will hear me rattle as I approach.
Wednesday 31 March 2010
On the up
My period arrived on Sunday, the real thing. Hence why I was so psychotic on Saturday. The day after a psychotic attack like that,I am totally wiped out. Quite literally exhausted. Then the day after that I am a perfectly normal, sane individual. Yes really!!
Monday was OK, was still a bit tired but that could be the whole clock change thing too, that throws me off totally in the spring time! I lose track of days and all sorts! Yesterday was Tuesday but felt like Wednesday and today IS Wednesday but feels like Tuesday!!! What is going on??!!!
We had a new carpet fitted today, at last. We moved into this house about 6 weeks ago, it is a lovely little 3 bed house in a nice quiet road, near to school and playschool and suits us. We only rent and when we looked round it was lovely. The day we got our keys though, well, you have never smelled anything so awful. The smell of dog was overwhelming. So much so that my Husband couldn't stay in the house for more than an hour as he is allergic to animals and it affected him so badly. We had to stay out of the house until it was cleaned, it was 3 days later we eventually got to move in!
So after all this time we have a lovely new carpet! Although I think it may be a bit lighter than the landlord intended! It is beige, but quite a light beige. Beige carpet and a 3 year old boy..... good combination???
My daughter has her friend round this afternoon and then we have parents evening so I had better go and make their dinner. I just hope this post is far happier than the last one! But saying that, I think if I had posted that my eyeballs had fallen out it would have been a happier post than the last one!!!!!
Until next time.
Monday was OK, was still a bit tired but that could be the whole clock change thing too, that throws me off totally in the spring time! I lose track of days and all sorts! Yesterday was Tuesday but felt like Wednesday and today IS Wednesday but feels like Tuesday!!! What is going on??!!!
We had a new carpet fitted today, at last. We moved into this house about 6 weeks ago, it is a lovely little 3 bed house in a nice quiet road, near to school and playschool and suits us. We only rent and when we looked round it was lovely. The day we got our keys though, well, you have never smelled anything so awful. The smell of dog was overwhelming. So much so that my Husband couldn't stay in the house for more than an hour as he is allergic to animals and it affected him so badly. We had to stay out of the house until it was cleaned, it was 3 days later we eventually got to move in!
So after all this time we have a lovely new carpet! Although I think it may be a bit lighter than the landlord intended! It is beige, but quite a light beige. Beige carpet and a 3 year old boy..... good combination???
My daughter has her friend round this afternoon and then we have parents evening so I had better go and make their dinner. I just hope this post is far happier than the last one! But saying that, I think if I had posted that my eyeballs had fallen out it would have been a happier post than the last one!!!!!
Until next time.
Monday 29 March 2010
Treatment starts in 3 days
Today is Monday and on Thursday morning I will have my first injection to kick start a menopause.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
Sunday 28 March 2010
Grab a cuppa, it's a long one.
Yesterday was a very low day. The lowest for a long time and my poor Mum was here to witness it.
She has never seen me in the state I was in yesterday,and if she has then it would be have been before I was
diagnosed with PMDD and I would have been a teen so she would have put it down teenage angst. Anyway, I think it really
worried her. Probably scared her quite alot too.
I have always been a bit mental to a degree, I read that a history of mental health problems usually preceeds a diagnosis of PMDD and I certainly tick that box. I don't know of many other people who take revenge with a bottle of nitromorse, headbutt someone just because they are holding your wrists, punch holes in walls, run away to another country to escape "real life"????
I could go right back to the begining... in fact I will. Right the way back. Some things in life are just circumstantial, shit luck, wrong time and wrong place, those things you can learn to get past. Some things in life are more than that, they are
the direct result of some one elses doing. It is those things that take more work to get over. Most people have one or two things in their life that are hard to deal with and need a bit of help with. You would be incredibly lucky if you got through life without any heartache.
Let me explain, but before I do I want to tell you that I do not want sympathy, pity or words of comfort. It won't help anyway. Some people who read this know me, they may know me quite well and see me every day but they won't know what I am about to explain, I don't mind sharing but I don't want people to judge me. Some people who read this may know some details already. I warn you now, before you read on, some details are a bit harrowing.
If I go back to the start and tell all, it will probably come as no surprise that I am mentally ill. I think it is only now that I
can place everything together and know that what I suffer with each month in the final two weeks is a sever depression brought about
by hormones that kick off the mourning of my childhood, the anger and the self loathing.
When me and my sister were little we were surrounded by lots of family. We had both sets of Grandparents living nearby and lots of Aunts and Uncles. Sounds perfect. When I was about three and a half one set of Grandparents moved almost 300 miles away. This wasn't just a random move, they were originally from The North. But we would go to stay with them and they would come down and stay with us or my Aunt and Uncle. From the outside everything would have been rosy. But as I grew up a little I realised that things were really not normal or rosy at all. I can't remember the realisation, I think it was just a gradual thing. I had already been groomed pretty
much from birth so I never knew any different. I just always thought that my Grandad really loved me, that I was really special. I was his favourite. And even though they moved so far away, my sister and I would spend time up there in holidays and at Christmas.
Looking back I think the abuse was possibly worse because it was far more concentrated into weekly or fortnightly visits.
When I was 7 my parents took on a new career and we moved from the seaside to a big town near London. I don't ever remember this time being anything but fun. A huge garden to play in, people always around, it was great! A year or so after we moved in we had an armed robbery, thankfully me and my sister weren't at home when it happened but things changed after that. The best change was that we got
our dog Thor, he was great! You have to take the positives after all ;-) Bars went up on the windows and my parents changed. To look back now I can see that this was the point that my Dad started to use drink in a bad way. It went hand in hand with the job anyway, you know the scenario, some one buys a drink and the "have one yourself" line happens. But over the following couple of years I can look back
and feel the tension. As a kid I don't think I took much notice but it obviously had an effect. I always felt very distant from my Dad, I guess we never had a chance to be close, he worked away when I was a baby, then when he worked at home it was a demanding job that left no time for family. It upests me greatly because that time is something I can never get back. It upsets me more because the only male figure
in my life then was my abuser. I used to ask to go and stay at my Grandparents in Canvey because it was normal for me. I loved it there. It meant a proper house to sleep in, no one would hurt me, there were lots of Aunts and Uncles who I could spend time with and my Granny was acers.
When I hit my early teens life got hard, not just because hitting teens sucks but because I really didn't know who I was. I was still being abused by my Grandfather and my Dad was drinking on a regular basis, I hated school and I started to bunk off. I was already smoking and drinking regluarly myeslf. Oh the irony. But one good thing was that I had a really good male influence on my life. My big brother.
Not by blood relation but he was my sister's boyfriend and he was the best thing ever. He was fun and the most normal man I had ever met. I was very fond of him, I treated him like a brother because that is exactly what he was to me.
So as my behaviour got worse, so did my Dad's drinking until eventually he got caught drinking and driving. That was the end of life as I knew it. My whole world, and that of my Mum and my sister, came crashing down. We lost the pub that we called home, the only thing for us was to move back to Canvey. Except that my sister stayed in Chadwell Heath with her boyfriend. She pretty much escaped. Because life just
got worse. I was 14, forced to move schools, move to a new area and make new friends and when you are slightly mental it is no easy feat. My Mum had to start her life over again, find a new job at 41 nearly 42. My Dad went back to bricklaying and his state of mind deteriorated further and further. Is mental health hereditory?
The new school was hell on Earth, I was bullied, I dreaded each and every day. I think I started bunking off sometime around the start of 1994 and I hardly went back until the end of the year when the year above had left. But I was in my first proper relationship. This proved to be a turning point for me because apart from my bestest friend I had told no one about the abuse. The abuse had only stopped a short while previously and I felt that I had to tell him about it as things were getting serious. It is the first male I had talked to about it all. But still I didn't feel very affected by it all. Life was normal for a while, but I had gone from one abuse to another as I was broken down in confidence and controlled. But I still stayed with him, maybe I was just used to it? Knew no different than to be controlled and I misunderstood love. At 17 I moved out of home, convinced that I would be better if I was a "grown up". How wrong was I? I started to go out with friends and
realised that at 17 nearly 18 I should be going out and socialising and doing what other people my age were doing, not sitting at home because I wasn't allowed out. So I left. I moved back home and went on a massive month long bender. At some point during me leaving and moving home and drinking myself into oblivion I met up with the ex boyfriend. I fell pregnant. I didn't know it at the time though. The first I knew about it was when I got really ill. As I mentioned before, I always had trouble with periods and to bleed for weeks on end was nothing unusual. But this was
slightly different. When I finally went to the doctor I was told not to be so silly, that I had messed up my pills, that I was imagining it. I got so ill that I couldn't physically get out of bed. My sister took me to the doctor I think, I can barely remember. I think he suggested a miscarriage. I went for a scan and sure enough, I was pregnant. There was a foetus but I don't know how old it was. I was just 18 and had a D & C and just wanted to go to the pub. Too traumatised by it all. Even more upset that the ex boyfriend laughed at me. That was when I took revenge with a bottle of paint stripper. I had never been so hurt and my mental state was now severely affected.
I think I blundered through the next few years somehow. I know that it was around this time I had started to binge on food. It was almost like comfort eating in the extreme. Instead of picking on crap food on a day when you feel a bit shit, I would save it all up and have a massive splurge in one sitting. I often thought about purging, but I never had the courage to make myself sick.
Another couple of bad relationships, a cheating boyfriend, an older boyfriend who had children of his own. I had a termination because he was adamant he never wanted more and yet that was all I wanted. A family of my own. That was yet another moment of just getting through it to get past it so I could go down the pub.
Then in August 2000 after spending the most part of that year getting hammered and blotting out life a chance meeting in the pub (see the pub features lots!) I
met up with some friends and from that moment on my life changed. Like a complete whirlwind I knew it was the best moment. Within just a few short months I was getting married a having a baby!!! Our daughter was born the following August. The first grandchild for my parents. A very exciting time, all the family came to see her. Including my Grandfather. He was old and getting frail by now but it was still a sickening moment when my Mum placed my newborn baby girl into his hands. The hands of a paedophile, I had to just stand and watch. My husband left the room, he couldn't cope with it at all. Who can blame him?
Over the course of my twenties my binge eating progressively got worse, my moods got worse, my anger got worse. My Grandad died when my daughter was nearly 3 and I really thought this was the cure I needed. But by 27 I was my heaviest ever. Bottling everything up I just binged most days. In the December of 2005 I found I was pregnant. I was so happy, and funnily enough all the way through my pregnancy I lost weight! Our son was born the following August and he was hard work. The hardest! But I had everything I wanted. Except sanity.
We moved away to a new town in November 2007. Because we all know that running away makes everything better right? I was the best thing we ever did though. We love it in our new home town, we have the best friends and have settled really well. But my sanity took a tumble when my Nanny got diagnosed with Terminal cancer in February 2009. I knew that she knew what happened to me. If she went then I would have no one who knew for sure. My Grandad wasn't around to answer to. I struggled with so many emotions that in the May, 2 days after being at the birth of my nephew, I saw a Psychiatrist. She told me that I will never deal with this until my family knows. That night I told my sister. Over the course of the following week I summoned up the courage to tell my parents. On 22nd May 2009 I broke my parents hearts.
It has been an ordeal over the past year and we get through each day as best we can. I don't want to trivialise this past year by not giving it much airtime on here but I think this post has been long enough already. Getting across exactly how hard this past year has been for us all, probably deserves a post of its own.
Needless to say that this all affects me when I get to days like yesterday. It all goes hand in hand.
Well this has exhausted me so I will leave it there. Well done for getting this far with this post.
She has never seen me in the state I was in yesterday,and if she has then it would be have been before I was
diagnosed with PMDD and I would have been a teen so she would have put it down teenage angst. Anyway, I think it really
worried her. Probably scared her quite alot too.
I have always been a bit mental to a degree, I read that a history of mental health problems usually preceeds a diagnosis of PMDD and I certainly tick that box. I don't know of many other people who take revenge with a bottle of nitromorse, headbutt someone just because they are holding your wrists, punch holes in walls, run away to another country to escape "real life"????
I could go right back to the begining... in fact I will. Right the way back. Some things in life are just circumstantial, shit luck, wrong time and wrong place, those things you can learn to get past. Some things in life are more than that, they are
the direct result of some one elses doing. It is those things that take more work to get over. Most people have one or two things in their life that are hard to deal with and need a bit of help with. You would be incredibly lucky if you got through life without any heartache.
Let me explain, but before I do I want to tell you that I do not want sympathy, pity or words of comfort. It won't help anyway. Some people who read this know me, they may know me quite well and see me every day but they won't know what I am about to explain, I don't mind sharing but I don't want people to judge me. Some people who read this may know some details already. I warn you now, before you read on, some details are a bit harrowing.
If I go back to the start and tell all, it will probably come as no surprise that I am mentally ill. I think it is only now that I
can place everything together and know that what I suffer with each month in the final two weeks is a sever depression brought about
by hormones that kick off the mourning of my childhood, the anger and the self loathing.
When me and my sister were little we were surrounded by lots of family. We had both sets of Grandparents living nearby and lots of Aunts and Uncles. Sounds perfect. When I was about three and a half one set of Grandparents moved almost 300 miles away. This wasn't just a random move, they were originally from The North. But we would go to stay with them and they would come down and stay with us or my Aunt and Uncle. From the outside everything would have been rosy. But as I grew up a little I realised that things were really not normal or rosy at all. I can't remember the realisation, I think it was just a gradual thing. I had already been groomed pretty
much from birth so I never knew any different. I just always thought that my Grandad really loved me, that I was really special. I was his favourite. And even though they moved so far away, my sister and I would spend time up there in holidays and at Christmas.
Looking back I think the abuse was possibly worse because it was far more concentrated into weekly or fortnightly visits.
When I was 7 my parents took on a new career and we moved from the seaside to a big town near London. I don't ever remember this time being anything but fun. A huge garden to play in, people always around, it was great! A year or so after we moved in we had an armed robbery, thankfully me and my sister weren't at home when it happened but things changed after that. The best change was that we got
our dog Thor, he was great! You have to take the positives after all ;-) Bars went up on the windows and my parents changed. To look back now I can see that this was the point that my Dad started to use drink in a bad way. It went hand in hand with the job anyway, you know the scenario, some one buys a drink and the "have one yourself" line happens. But over the following couple of years I can look back
and feel the tension. As a kid I don't think I took much notice but it obviously had an effect. I always felt very distant from my Dad, I guess we never had a chance to be close, he worked away when I was a baby, then when he worked at home it was a demanding job that left no time for family. It upests me greatly because that time is something I can never get back. It upsets me more because the only male figure
in my life then was my abuser. I used to ask to go and stay at my Grandparents in Canvey because it was normal for me. I loved it there. It meant a proper house to sleep in, no one would hurt me, there were lots of Aunts and Uncles who I could spend time with and my Granny was acers.
When I hit my early teens life got hard, not just because hitting teens sucks but because I really didn't know who I was. I was still being abused by my Grandfather and my Dad was drinking on a regular basis, I hated school and I started to bunk off. I was already smoking and drinking regluarly myeslf. Oh the irony. But one good thing was that I had a really good male influence on my life. My big brother.
Not by blood relation but he was my sister's boyfriend and he was the best thing ever. He was fun and the most normal man I had ever met. I was very fond of him, I treated him like a brother because that is exactly what he was to me.
So as my behaviour got worse, so did my Dad's drinking until eventually he got caught drinking and driving. That was the end of life as I knew it. My whole world, and that of my Mum and my sister, came crashing down. We lost the pub that we called home, the only thing for us was to move back to Canvey. Except that my sister stayed in Chadwell Heath with her boyfriend. She pretty much escaped. Because life just
got worse. I was 14, forced to move schools, move to a new area and make new friends and when you are slightly mental it is no easy feat. My Mum had to start her life over again, find a new job at 41 nearly 42. My Dad went back to bricklaying and his state of mind deteriorated further and further. Is mental health hereditory?
The new school was hell on Earth, I was bullied, I dreaded each and every day. I think I started bunking off sometime around the start of 1994 and I hardly went back until the end of the year when the year above had left. But I was in my first proper relationship. This proved to be a turning point for me because apart from my bestest friend I had told no one about the abuse. The abuse had only stopped a short while previously and I felt that I had to tell him about it as things were getting serious. It is the first male I had talked to about it all. But still I didn't feel very affected by it all. Life was normal for a while, but I had gone from one abuse to another as I was broken down in confidence and controlled. But I still stayed with him, maybe I was just used to it? Knew no different than to be controlled and I misunderstood love. At 17 I moved out of home, convinced that I would be better if I was a "grown up". How wrong was I? I started to go out with friends and
realised that at 17 nearly 18 I should be going out and socialising and doing what other people my age were doing, not sitting at home because I wasn't allowed out. So I left. I moved back home and went on a massive month long bender. At some point during me leaving and moving home and drinking myself into oblivion I met up with the ex boyfriend. I fell pregnant. I didn't know it at the time though. The first I knew about it was when I got really ill. As I mentioned before, I always had trouble with periods and to bleed for weeks on end was nothing unusual. But this was
slightly different. When I finally went to the doctor I was told not to be so silly, that I had messed up my pills, that I was imagining it. I got so ill that I couldn't physically get out of bed. My sister took me to the doctor I think, I can barely remember. I think he suggested a miscarriage. I went for a scan and sure enough, I was pregnant. There was a foetus but I don't know how old it was. I was just 18 and had a D & C and just wanted to go to the pub. Too traumatised by it all. Even more upset that the ex boyfriend laughed at me. That was when I took revenge with a bottle of paint stripper. I had never been so hurt and my mental state was now severely affected.
I think I blundered through the next few years somehow. I know that it was around this time I had started to binge on food. It was almost like comfort eating in the extreme. Instead of picking on crap food on a day when you feel a bit shit, I would save it all up and have a massive splurge in one sitting. I often thought about purging, but I never had the courage to make myself sick.
Another couple of bad relationships, a cheating boyfriend, an older boyfriend who had children of his own. I had a termination because he was adamant he never wanted more and yet that was all I wanted. A family of my own. That was yet another moment of just getting through it to get past it so I could go down the pub.
Then in August 2000 after spending the most part of that year getting hammered and blotting out life a chance meeting in the pub (see the pub features lots!) I
met up with some friends and from that moment on my life changed. Like a complete whirlwind I knew it was the best moment. Within just a few short months I was getting married a having a baby!!! Our daughter was born the following August. The first grandchild for my parents. A very exciting time, all the family came to see her. Including my Grandfather. He was old and getting frail by now but it was still a sickening moment when my Mum placed my newborn baby girl into his hands. The hands of a paedophile, I had to just stand and watch. My husband left the room, he couldn't cope with it at all. Who can blame him?
Over the course of my twenties my binge eating progressively got worse, my moods got worse, my anger got worse. My Grandad died when my daughter was nearly 3 and I really thought this was the cure I needed. But by 27 I was my heaviest ever. Bottling everything up I just binged most days. In the December of 2005 I found I was pregnant. I was so happy, and funnily enough all the way through my pregnancy I lost weight! Our son was born the following August and he was hard work. The hardest! But I had everything I wanted. Except sanity.
We moved away to a new town in November 2007. Because we all know that running away makes everything better right? I was the best thing we ever did though. We love it in our new home town, we have the best friends and have settled really well. But my sanity took a tumble when my Nanny got diagnosed with Terminal cancer in February 2009. I knew that she knew what happened to me. If she went then I would have no one who knew for sure. My Grandad wasn't around to answer to. I struggled with so many emotions that in the May, 2 days after being at the birth of my nephew, I saw a Psychiatrist. She told me that I will never deal with this until my family knows. That night I told my sister. Over the course of the following week I summoned up the courage to tell my parents. On 22nd May 2009 I broke my parents hearts.
It has been an ordeal over the past year and we get through each day as best we can. I don't want to trivialise this past year by not giving it much airtime on here but I think this post has been long enough already. Getting across exactly how hard this past year has been for us all, probably deserves a post of its own.
Needless to say that this all affects me when I get to days like yesterday. It all goes hand in hand.
Well this has exhausted me so I will leave it there. Well done for getting this far with this post.
Friday 26 March 2010
AWOL again
I really do not know what is happening to me this month. I give up. Anyway, these past few days have been very busy. Yesterday I took my daughter (nearly 9) to a modelling agency at which she got taken on, we are very proud of her, she has overcome a lot in the last two years and has grown into a very happy little girl with more confidence than ever before.
My son, however, has been an absolute nightmare, he is 3 (nearly 4) and is really challenging. He screams at the slightest telling off and will physically hit out in temper. Testing my patience to the extreme he even ran into a busy road 3 days ago, thankfully he was fine and the car that was coming at the time was going slow enough to stop way before getting to close to him. Heart in throat moment though! Needless to say he spent the rest of the day firmly attached to my side. What is it about a small person that they can make you feel utter rage and then total adoration within 0.8 seconds???
Going off on a tangent for a moment I have received a letter from the doctors today asking me to go for a smear test, that 3 years has gone ever so quickly! My problem is that I am not sure how I feel about going for it. I have never had a problem before now. It has never bothered me at all. But last year was an awful year and maybe another time I shall elaborate more but in the meantime just trust that I really have a problem with anything like that now.
So here we have yet another post about my estranged period. Usually it wouldn't even be due to appear yet but this month has gone skew anyway and now I have no clue!
Moods have been irratic but not as bad as they could be.
Until next time.
My son, however, has been an absolute nightmare, he is 3 (nearly 4) and is really challenging. He screams at the slightest telling off and will physically hit out in temper. Testing my patience to the extreme he even ran into a busy road 3 days ago, thankfully he was fine and the car that was coming at the time was going slow enough to stop way before getting to close to him. Heart in throat moment though! Needless to say he spent the rest of the day firmly attached to my side. What is it about a small person that they can make you feel utter rage and then total adoration within 0.8 seconds???
Going off on a tangent for a moment I have received a letter from the doctors today asking me to go for a smear test, that 3 years has gone ever so quickly! My problem is that I am not sure how I feel about going for it. I have never had a problem before now. It has never bothered me at all. But last year was an awful year and maybe another time I shall elaborate more but in the meantime just trust that I really have a problem with anything like that now.
So here we have yet another post about my estranged period. Usually it wouldn't even be due to appear yet but this month has gone skew anyway and now I have no clue!
Moods have been irratic but not as bad as they could be.
Until next time.
Tuesday 23 March 2010
Where for art thou?
So, period gone AWOL. God knows what is up there. Feeling a bit narky but not too bad really. Am battling sweet cravings though. Gah I am so sick of this, I don't even know what is up with my cycles anymore, I have enough to contend with without having to second guess where I am in my cycle. This cycle has been horrendous, I have not had a single day without some blood loss. I am probably sharing wayyy to much information here!!!!! But it has been really awful. Some days have been like red and full on, and others barely anything.
I wonder if there are any men with a weird fetish who follow this?? LOL!!!!
Anyway, found some information to add here to help.
http://pmdd-community.com/
http://lifewpmdd.com/
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/293257-overview
I wonder if there are any men with a weird fetish who follow this?? LOL!!!!
Anyway, found some information to add here to help.
http://pmdd-community.com/
http://lifewpmdd.com/
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/293257-overview
Sunday 21 March 2010
Back to Normality
I feel bloody brilliant! The sun is out, I have just battled through 40 minutes of kick boxing, about to have some breakfast and I feel good!
Inevitably my period has arrived and hence why I feel all is right with the world! Most women dread the arrival of their period, the cramps, the inconvenience. But for me I can handle the cramps, they aren't as bad as the pain I get in the middle to end of my cycle. Yeah sure, the blood loss isn't pleasant and I seem to have more than average, more like a hemorrage each month, but it has calmed down a lot. I had a coil fitted last year, one of the "fixes" that was supposed to stop everything being so bad, all that did was calm down the blood loss. Most women don't bleed at all with a Mirena, so I guess the hormones in it are supposed to stop it.
I should mention the medication I am on too. I currently take 60mg Citalopram, 15mg Busparone and an iron tablet everyday. The Citalopram has levelled me out immensely but it doesn't affect me at all in the second half of my cycle, this is why I knew there was more to it than just depression. The Busparone is an anti anxiety drug, like Valium but less addictive. This has helped with the paranoia and panic attacks I regularly got, although I do still suffer with the paranoia sometimes. Finally the iron tablets, this is to help with the anaemia I suffer with the amount of blood loss I get, this is why I get so lethargic every month.
So before I get caught up with explaining too much boring stuff I am off to enjoy my day, my Daughter has a party today and we have friends round for dinner tonight, I am cooking them a wonderful recipe courtesy of my friend Shev on her SlimmingEats website. She does the most amazing food, whether you are following the Slimming World plan or not!!!
That is all for now, I am off to find my play centre attire - no one will keep me off the monkey bars today ;)
Inevitably my period has arrived and hence why I feel all is right with the world! Most women dread the arrival of their period, the cramps, the inconvenience. But for me I can handle the cramps, they aren't as bad as the pain I get in the middle to end of my cycle. Yeah sure, the blood loss isn't pleasant and I seem to have more than average, more like a hemorrage each month, but it has calmed down a lot. I had a coil fitted last year, one of the "fixes" that was supposed to stop everything being so bad, all that did was calm down the blood loss. Most women don't bleed at all with a Mirena, so I guess the hormones in it are supposed to stop it.
I should mention the medication I am on too. I currently take 60mg Citalopram, 15mg Busparone and an iron tablet everyday. The Citalopram has levelled me out immensely but it doesn't affect me at all in the second half of my cycle, this is why I knew there was more to it than just depression. The Busparone is an anti anxiety drug, like Valium but less addictive. This has helped with the paranoia and panic attacks I regularly got, although I do still suffer with the paranoia sometimes. Finally the iron tablets, this is to help with the anaemia I suffer with the amount of blood loss I get, this is why I get so lethargic every month.
So before I get caught up with explaining too much boring stuff I am off to enjoy my day, my Daughter has a party today and we have friends round for dinner tonight, I am cooking them a wonderful recipe courtesy of my friend Shev on her SlimmingEats website. She does the most amazing food, whether you are following the Slimming World plan or not!!!
That is all for now, I am off to find my play centre attire - no one will keep me off the monkey bars today ;)
Saturday 20 March 2010
Allotments are the answer
After a super slump on Thursday afternoon I spent the evening crying like a baby. It is so hard to explain after the darkness has gone, but it is like nothing in the whole world matters and there is no one that feels the way I do. It is when this darkness comes over that I could easily slip into a suicidal state. It just feels like no one would even notice, no one would even care. It is a totally numb feeling. The tiredness that comes from this is overwhelming, I literally feel like I could sleep forever. It is impossible to explain what all these emotions and feelings are like unless you have felt them.
It is a vicious circle, I know that by getting up and doing exercise I will feel better but, to actually make myself get up and do it is impossible. So I feel crap for the rest of the day and want to binge on sweet things, which makes me feel rubbish and so on.
Yesterday morning I looked like a zombie, puffy eyes, black circles, grey skin. I looked ill. These are the physical effects of the mental torture. Then in the afternoon when I felt marginally brighter, my Husband took the opportunity to force me out the door and over to the newly acquired allotment!
I spent just over an hour clearing, weeding and preparing one of the beds ready to have some potatoes planted. The physical work set off the endorphins and I felt lots better, there is such a connection. It did help to kick start me a bit and after an evening with some friends and a lovely dinner I went to bed much happier last night. I even managed to get up and do 45 minutes of body sculpt this morning, followed by some ironing and chilling out with the kids. Either this means that an allotment is the answer or that I should see the onset of a period within the next 12 hours or so.
It is a vicious circle, I know that by getting up and doing exercise I will feel better but, to actually make myself get up and do it is impossible. So I feel crap for the rest of the day and want to binge on sweet things, which makes me feel rubbish and so on.
Yesterday morning I looked like a zombie, puffy eyes, black circles, grey skin. I looked ill. These are the physical effects of the mental torture. Then in the afternoon when I felt marginally brighter, my Husband took the opportunity to force me out the door and over to the newly acquired allotment!
I spent just over an hour clearing, weeding and preparing one of the beds ready to have some potatoes planted. The physical work set off the endorphins and I felt lots better, there is such a connection. It did help to kick start me a bit and after an evening with some friends and a lovely dinner I went to bed much happier last night. I even managed to get up and do 45 minutes of body sculpt this morning, followed by some ironing and chilling out with the kids. Either this means that an allotment is the answer or that I should see the onset of a period within the next 12 hours or so.
Thursday 18 March 2010
Welcome to the dark side
The low is kicking in nicely now. The tiredness has hit me and I feel like crap. I fell asleep at 9.30 on the sofa last night, went to bed when my husband woke me and I slept til 7 this morning but still feel really tired. I am resisting the urge to eat cakes and chocolate. This is the biggest contender I have each month. It really gets me down. I joke about being a cakeaholic and a chocoholic because really, the shame of how much I can put away in one sitting is all awful. It really is disgusting. I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder last year, but it is part of the PMDD. How awful is this to be admitting this, I feel wretched with shame now but it is a symptom that needs to be picked up on.
I also haven't really stopped bleeding this cycle, it is the first time I have had this, I usually get two weeks of bleeding then I am OK through the final two weeks. This time it has been on and off the whole time, mostly on. This makes me tired too, even though I take extra iron supplements I don't think my body is keeping hold of the iron due to the amount of blood loss I have.
Grim isn't it?
I can feel the darkness taking over, it started this afternoon and as the past 2 hours have gone on I can feel it consuming me. I would really like to curl up in bed until it passes. Not possible with a 3 year old and an 8 year old. This is the start though, the worst bit. It has arrived a bit later than anticipated but this month is all wonky anyway.
Just phoned the surgery to see if they have my injections in yet and they haven't even had a letter from the hospital. Phoned the hospital, they are shut now. Bloody NHS, I feel like I am forever trapped in the realms of their "communication" which ceases to exist, mostly. I am still awaiting appointments which I have been promised since last May, but that is a whole other story which I may, or may not go into later.
Anyway, I shall leave it there for today. Not really in the mood for going into anymore. Just want to sleep forever.
I also haven't really stopped bleeding this cycle, it is the first time I have had this, I usually get two weeks of bleeding then I am OK through the final two weeks. This time it has been on and off the whole time, mostly on. This makes me tired too, even though I take extra iron supplements I don't think my body is keeping hold of the iron due to the amount of blood loss I have.
Grim isn't it?
I can feel the darkness taking over, it started this afternoon and as the past 2 hours have gone on I can feel it consuming me. I would really like to curl up in bed until it passes. Not possible with a 3 year old and an 8 year old. This is the start though, the worst bit. It has arrived a bit later than anticipated but this month is all wonky anyway.
Just phoned the surgery to see if they have my injections in yet and they haven't even had a letter from the hospital. Phoned the hospital, they are shut now. Bloody NHS, I feel like I am forever trapped in the realms of their "communication" which ceases to exist, mostly. I am still awaiting appointments which I have been promised since last May, but that is a whole other story which I may, or may not go into later.
Anyway, I shall leave it there for today. Not really in the mood for going into anymore. Just want to sleep forever.
Wednesday 17 March 2010
A great response!
I have had some really positive comments since publishing this blog yesterday and I am really pleased to have touched some people enough that have felt the need to message me. I know lots of women who suffer each and every month and mostly suffer in silence because "it is a woman thing" and therefore we should just put up with it because it is nature. Rubbish. When something is so severe that it ruins your day/ week/ month/ life then it is more than just "normal".
Sure we all get cramps, that is part and parcel but I have been told by so many doctors (mostly women I hasten to add) that I will just have to suffer!! So I have done.
Someone pointed out to me that I haven't explained what PMDD stands for, well it is Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The name of the condition makes sense once you know what it stands for!
PMDD apparently affects 4% of women, so it really is quite hard to get a diagnosis for. Even harder because not many people know what it is. Hopefully by spreading the word a bit more, people will become more familiar with it and some women who have been "putting up with it" will be able to press for more investigations.
Sure we all get cramps, that is part and parcel but I have been told by so many doctors (mostly women I hasten to add) that I will just have to suffer!! So I have done.
Someone pointed out to me that I haven't explained what PMDD stands for, well it is Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The name of the condition makes sense once you know what it stands for!
PMDD apparently affects 4% of women, so it really is quite hard to get a diagnosis for. Even harder because not many people know what it is. Hopefully by spreading the word a bit more, people will become more familiar with it and some women who have been "putting up with it" will be able to press for more investigations.
Tuesday 16 March 2010
The start
It seems apt to make my first post in this blog at a time when I have just received a diagnosis of PMDD. For those unaware of this condition it might be worth reading this http://pmdd.factsforhealth.org/
PMDD, unlike PMS, affects the whole cycle. From day 1 through to the end. It affects my mental state of mind as well as physical symptoms. The physical symptoms consist of very heavy bleeding, severe cramps and bloating, weight gain and lethargy. The mental state of mind is a form of psychosis, it can be anything from being snappy to being suicidal. It is pot luck how I feel from one month to the next.
I have had bouts of a few months when I have felt fine and had hardly any symptoms but then I find I have a really bad month soon after. This was the case towards the end of last year. I found I had a relatively good few months over the summer, then in October I had excruciating ovulation pains which kicked off a horrendous two months in which I was suicidal. I had to make my husband stay home from work because I knew if he left me I would end it.
This has hopefully given a slight insight into what PMDD does to me. Although there is obviously more besides, I don't want to overload this first entry with woeful tales and misery! I am looking forward now, I will go into more details about what I have been through to get here, but for now I am celebrating the diagnosis that I have been after for so long.
The next step from here is that I will receive monthly injections at my local surgery. These injections will be an overload of the progesterone hormone which will bring about a menopause. My reproductive system will shut down and therefore alleviate the symptoms that cause me so much distress and pain. I should hear within a few days. My appointment with the Gynaecologist was last Wednesday (10th March) and it should take about a week to contact my GP.
To bring us up to date, I am now in the "dark phase" of my cycle, the final two weeks. The last two days have not been too bad, I have been exercising and following a low fat diet. Endorphins do help and a good diet is tantamount to helping curb the binge eating (yet another gruesome symptom), but more importantly I need to lose some weight for my sister's wedding in June! And a particularly terrible winter with PMDD has seen me pile on 19lbs in weight. Yuck.
I look forward to updating more!
PMDD, unlike PMS, affects the whole cycle. From day 1 through to the end. It affects my mental state of mind as well as physical symptoms. The physical symptoms consist of very heavy bleeding, severe cramps and bloating, weight gain and lethargy. The mental state of mind is a form of psychosis, it can be anything from being snappy to being suicidal. It is pot luck how I feel from one month to the next.
I have had bouts of a few months when I have felt fine and had hardly any symptoms but then I find I have a really bad month soon after. This was the case towards the end of last year. I found I had a relatively good few months over the summer, then in October I had excruciating ovulation pains which kicked off a horrendous two months in which I was suicidal. I had to make my husband stay home from work because I knew if he left me I would end it.
This has hopefully given a slight insight into what PMDD does to me. Although there is obviously more besides, I don't want to overload this first entry with woeful tales and misery! I am looking forward now, I will go into more details about what I have been through to get here, but for now I am celebrating the diagnosis that I have been after for so long.
The next step from here is that I will receive monthly injections at my local surgery. These injections will be an overload of the progesterone hormone which will bring about a menopause. My reproductive system will shut down and therefore alleviate the symptoms that cause me so much distress and pain. I should hear within a few days. My appointment with the Gynaecologist was last Wednesday (10th March) and it should take about a week to contact my GP.
To bring us up to date, I am now in the "dark phase" of my cycle, the final two weeks. The last two days have not been too bad, I have been exercising and following a low fat diet. Endorphins do help and a good diet is tantamount to helping curb the binge eating (yet another gruesome symptom), but more importantly I need to lose some weight for my sister's wedding in June! And a particularly terrible winter with PMDD has seen me pile on 19lbs in weight. Yuck.
I look forward to updating more!
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