I seem to be feeling so well that I have neglected you, blog! Maybe this is a good thing, but I can't share my progress if I fail to tell you all how well I am feeling, can I?
I had my second injection last Wednesday. The anticipation was far worse than the moment itself. I dragged a friend into the Nurse's room with me, this wasn't planned, it is just that I saw her getting a repeat prescription so I bundled her into the waiting room and told her to hold my hand LOL!! Once again I had the local anaesthetic and then the Zoladex. Once again I ended up with a dead leg for a few hours! I don't know how this occurs, but it must be something to do with where the local is injected (lower right hand side of abdomen) that it affects the quad muscle. The bruising is not bad this time either. I was a bit sore for 3 days, but on the whole, this time was much better!
Part of this process is, obviously, Psychological and so I do feel better because I know I am getting treatment. However, there must be something right and this must be the right treatment, otherwise I would still be having horrendous pain and suicidal tendencies still wouldn't I? So many things have changed, it is like being a new person again. I can't even say it is like being the old me again, because I have never been "right".
This coming Saturday, the 15th May, will be a year since I told my Sister about the abuse I went through. It feels like a significant milestone, something to celebrate and yet, it isn't something to celebrate at all. How do you celebrate turning your whole world upside down and breaking the hearts of the people you love most? But in a year, a small space of time really, I have become a completely different person.
For the first time ever I am me, just me. I no longer have to mask anything, hide anything, pretend about anything, put on a brave face or fake my happiness. Can you imagine just how immense that feels? I can be me, and I really don't care how that portrayal of me comes across anymore, because I am not pretending. I think I have come to accept me for who I am. No, not everyone will like me and that is fine because I am no longer bending to conform to what everyone else wants or expects. I don't have to pretend to be "normal" so that people won't guess my secret. It is all rather liberating.
PMDD and Abuse are two aspects of my life, but they don't make me who I am. I am a Mother, I am a Daughter, a Wife, a Sister, a friend and rather nice person.
I rock :O)
You are a lovely, lovely person! I had no idea what you are/were going through. Keep strong. Much love x x
ReplyDeleteThank you Suzanne X
ReplyDeleteWhat is Zoladex? My hormone specialist has been giving me estrogen patches and testosterone cream, but my goal is getting a hysterectomy in the next 2 months. After that, I will probably continue on the estrogen patch and the cream to keep away menopause symptoms. I am intrigued to hear about Zoladex...what it does, etc? P.S. I am 35 and have struggled with PMDD for 14-15 years!
ReplyDeleteHi Misty, I have only just noticed your message. I wasn't alerted to it for some reason, blip from Google I suspect.
ReplyDeleteZoladex is a Cancer treatment drug, used in Breast and Prostate Cancer patients. It works by supressing the production of estrogen and testosterone, therefore making the reproductive hormones shut down.
I will be having a review in September and am hoping to be made eligible for hysterectomy then.
So it's like the Lupron shot? I had one of those, it shut down all my reproductive hormones for 3 months at a time. The first two were great, then menopause hit. It was HELL. I didn't realize at that point that hormone replacement therapy was an option. So I've struggled for YEARS and YEARS with PMDD and trying to manage it, from everything to anti-depressants to diet..and gained a good 40 pounds in the process. I finally found a hormonal specialist who put me on the Estrogen patch and for the first cycle in years, my husband said I didn't become the Mr. Hyd part of Dr. Jekkyl. I've run the gamit of depression and suicidal thoughts, EVERYTHING you've described. You are SO not alone! When I get my surgery in a few weeks, I plan on keeping the estrogen patch and testosterone. Doctors have found that people with PMDD react to high levels of progesterone, so as far as I'm concerned, it's the devil. I can't wait to get rid of it. I wish you the VERY best of luck and will keep checking back on you to see how you are doing. Reading your posts is like hearing myself talk!! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteIt is so helpful reading this blog and the comments. I know I react to progesterone also. It is the devil, definitely!! When I had zolodex for the septeum removal and then was given oestrogen, I've never felt so good in my life (or since sadly).
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