It has been a very strange week and a bit. I hit mid cycle just over a week ago and it affected me hugely, I became very suicidal day. My Daughter was away with her Grandparents and I only had my 3 year old Son with me. If he was away with her I wouldn't be here now.
Up until now I have had crippling pain and mood plummet with mid cycle, but I don't think I have ever been suicidal like that. The plus point, as there is one, is that I didn't have the pain I have always had before. I am taking this to mean that things must be changing to help me.
Since that Thursday I have been OK. It took a few days to get over that emotional exhaustion, but I wasn't quite so down as I usually am at the end of my cycle. The next change I have noticed, is that the second half of my cycle is much shorter. This cycle, the second half of my cycle has been just 9 days. I haven't been in much pain at all, in fact, I had no warning of the arrival of a period at all this time! I haven't had the mood swings as much towards the end of the cycle. The only symptom I have had is craving sweet things again. But even that I have been able to control much better than normal.
I have started to read a book, on recommendation of a dear friend, called The Beck Diet Solution. Dr Beck treats patients with food and eating problems, disordered thinking and self control. It has proved to be the best self help book I have ever bought, much of it makes sense. I am only on day 4 of reading through the plan and so far am finding that the things I do, with regards to eating, are totally fixable. I need to rethink my approach to food and make some subtle changes and this book is really helping with that.
The next injection is in just over a week and hopefully some more changes for the better will come with it.
Saturday 24 April 2010
Thursday 15 April 2010
Being an oustsider
Feeling pretty crap today. I can't even put into words how I feel today. I feel like I am such an outsider, that no one can really understand how I am feeling because even I don't. I feel a mixture of everything, but mostly I feel the paranoia has kicked in. I don't trust anyone. I have always been pretty open about how I am feeling, the reasons might not have been given but I wear my heart on my sleeve. But in doing so I have made my life open for all to scrutinise and judge.
The thing with PMDD is that, because so few people have it or have been diagnosed with it, no one can say "oh yeah I understand".
I feel like the only person in the world at the moment who is being made to go through a menopause only to have to have a hysterectomy at the end anyway.
It is all just shit.
The tablets are making me have hot flushes, I am craving sweet things constantly, gaining weight and have spots galore.
Yet even though these things are making me feel crap, what am I doing? Eating more shit and doing no exercise. I give up, I am so flaky. I can't even stop myself from eating crap. I eat crap, I put on weight, I put on weight, I feel lousy, I feel lousy, I eat more crap.... and so on.
Right now, I just want to disappear from the world.
The thing with PMDD is that, because so few people have it or have been diagnosed with it, no one can say "oh yeah I understand".
I feel like the only person in the world at the moment who is being made to go through a menopause only to have to have a hysterectomy at the end anyway.
It is all just shit.
The tablets are making me have hot flushes, I am craving sweet things constantly, gaining weight and have spots galore.
Yet even though these things are making me feel crap, what am I doing? Eating more shit and doing no exercise. I give up, I am so flaky. I can't even stop myself from eating crap. I eat crap, I put on weight, I put on weight, I feel lousy, I feel lousy, I eat more crap.... and so on.
Right now, I just want to disappear from the world.
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Need some normality!
What a few days this has been!
Friday of last week I spent a lovely day in London at the Natural History Museum, met up with a friend and her boys. We have talked online for years via a parenting website we both used and then moved on to Facebook and after about 6 years or so we finally met! It was lovely, as if we had known each other all our lives! The children all got on and they were all brilliant. I had a wonderful day. Except my voice started croaking. The next day I had full blown laryngitis and a heavy cold and sore throat.
I spent Saturday in bed and my Mum and Dad's house, wallowing because of the illness and also because I had cruel ovulation pains. They occupied the children and my Husband came over later on for dinner with us all.
Sunday I slept most of the day until my Husband went to work. He was picking up some people from the Tottenham V Portsmouth game. He was out from late afternoon and I just let the kids play, without much stress, I just had no energy.
At 7.15 I was just thinking about getting the youngest into bed when he ran through the kitchen and hit his head on the corner of the worktop. A lump came up straight away and he had a small cut. The lump was so big, he was retching and gagging and so I called an ambulance. We ended up in an ambulance off to hospital because it was quite a knock. My Husband had his phone off because he was working and it was late when I actually got to speak to him, by the time he arrived at the hospital, we had been seen, cleaned up and discharged!
He was fine yesterday and we went out to meet another friend at a big play park. Yet again this was another friend who I have known online for years! It was a lovely day all round, my sister came along and we all had a really nice day.
Toady is the first day over this Easter holiday that I have nothing "busy" to be getting on with! So we are all going to potter around on the allotment this morning, before my Son has a party this afternoon.
Update on injection site - still bruised. Ow.
Feeling - OK.
Just to clarify - I have lots of real life friends too LOL!!!
Friday of last week I spent a lovely day in London at the Natural History Museum, met up with a friend and her boys. We have talked online for years via a parenting website we both used and then moved on to Facebook and after about 6 years or so we finally met! It was lovely, as if we had known each other all our lives! The children all got on and they were all brilliant. I had a wonderful day. Except my voice started croaking. The next day I had full blown laryngitis and a heavy cold and sore throat.
I spent Saturday in bed and my Mum and Dad's house, wallowing because of the illness and also because I had cruel ovulation pains. They occupied the children and my Husband came over later on for dinner with us all.
Sunday I slept most of the day until my Husband went to work. He was picking up some people from the Tottenham V Portsmouth game. He was out from late afternoon and I just let the kids play, without much stress, I just had no energy.
At 7.15 I was just thinking about getting the youngest into bed when he ran through the kitchen and hit his head on the corner of the worktop. A lump came up straight away and he had a small cut. The lump was so big, he was retching and gagging and so I called an ambulance. We ended up in an ambulance off to hospital because it was quite a knock. My Husband had his phone off because he was working and it was late when I actually got to speak to him, by the time he arrived at the hospital, we had been seen, cleaned up and discharged!
He was fine yesterday and we went out to meet another friend at a big play park. Yet again this was another friend who I have known online for years! It was a lovely day all round, my sister came along and we all had a really nice day.
Toady is the first day over this Easter holiday that I have nothing "busy" to be getting on with! So we are all going to potter around on the allotment this morning, before my Son has a party this afternoon.
Update on injection site - still bruised. Ow.
Feeling - OK.
Just to clarify - I have lots of real life friends too LOL!!!
Thursday 8 April 2010
First injection over with
Had my first Zoladex injection yesterday. Not very pleasant but it was OK. Had a local anaesthetic in my tummy, just next to my naval and then the Zoladex. It is a gel implant that releases over the 28 days. The local hurt more than the Zoladex, but I can totally understand the need for a local - that needle is BRUTAL! It goes in at a 45 degree angle and it goes quite deep. Had a blood spill after but was soon mopped up and plastered and off I went.
The walk home (less than 5 minutes) took a bit longer as the local anaesthetic took hold of my quad muscle!!! I honestly thought my leg would collapse and I would have to drag myself back home with my fingertips!
Felt fine all day apart from being a bit bruised and sore, until last night. I felt a bit ropey but put it down to being up from 4.30. My son had had a small accident and wet his pyjama bottoms so had to sort him out at silly o'clock. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so I went downstairs at 5am and did a 50 minute workout!
I went to bed at 9.30pm last night and read my book for a while but I just felt more and more nauseas until I got to the point I had to get up and make sure I wasn't going to vomit. I eventually got to sleep but I was so hot and sick.
I had a lay in this morning until about 8.15am, neither of the children arose until then so that helped. I still feel a bit rough but I guess I will for a while yet, just until my body adjusts.
Have been exercising and eating healthy, I am determined not to gain weight with these injections and tablets I am taking. I struggle with my weight as it is, I need to work hard to lose weight normally, let alone with more chemicals surging around my body.
Right now I need to get up and get showered without throwing up my breakfast. Wish me luck with that!
The walk home (less than 5 minutes) took a bit longer as the local anaesthetic took hold of my quad muscle!!! I honestly thought my leg would collapse and I would have to drag myself back home with my fingertips!
Felt fine all day apart from being a bit bruised and sore, until last night. I felt a bit ropey but put it down to being up from 4.30. My son had had a small accident and wet his pyjama bottoms so had to sort him out at silly o'clock. I couldn't get back to sleep after that so I went downstairs at 5am and did a 50 minute workout!
I went to bed at 9.30pm last night and read my book for a while but I just felt more and more nauseas until I got to the point I had to get up and make sure I wasn't going to vomit. I eventually got to sleep but I was so hot and sick.
I had a lay in this morning until about 8.15am, neither of the children arose until then so that helped. I still feel a bit rough but I guess I will for a while yet, just until my body adjusts.
Have been exercising and eating healthy, I am determined not to gain weight with these injections and tablets I am taking. I struggle with my weight as it is, I need to work hard to lose weight normally, let alone with more chemicals surging around my body.
Right now I need to get up and get showered without throwing up my breakfast. Wish me luck with that!
Friday 2 April 2010
A new start
It is 1am and I have just had a friend round for the evening, been having a drink.
First thing tomorrow I start HRT. I have sworn to myself that I will look after myself and pose minimal risk to myself. No easy feat when you have such self loathing. But I need to do this for my children. They need a Mum who is in good physical health and sound of mind.
I need to eat healthy and be fit. It is the only way.
First thing tomorrow I start HRT. I have sworn to myself that I will look after myself and pose minimal risk to myself. No easy feat when you have such self loathing. But I need to do this for my children. They need a Mum who is in good physical health and sound of mind.
I need to eat healthy and be fit. It is the only way.
Thursday 1 April 2010
Zoladex
Had an appointment for the first injection this morning. The surgery, in their wisdom, did not order in the injection. So I have to go back next Wednesday morning, due to it being a 4 day weekend for Easter.
The injection I will be having every month is Zoladex. I googled it to find out a bit more about it. It turns out it is a Cancer treatment, used to treat breast and prostate cancers. Not loving the idea of an abdominal injection :-\
There are several side effects with it, hot sweats and flushes, weight gain (great as already have a problem with that anyway), Osteoporosis, migraine, upset stomach and whole host of itchy rashes /hives problems. Fantastic. I get to go from mental person every two weeks to a sweaty, red, fat, vomiting freak with a headache. Delightful.
I was really upset this morning when they told me that they had not ordered in the medication, I had psyched myself up for it. On the other hand, at least I got to find out a bit more about it before I have it.
I am starting the HRT today though. This takes me up to 60mg Citalopram (one tablet of 40mg and one of 20mg) 15mg Busparone (3 x 5mg per day) 1 multivit with iron, one 2.5mg Tibolone per day. You will hear me rattle as I approach.
The injection I will be having every month is Zoladex. I googled it to find out a bit more about it. It turns out it is a Cancer treatment, used to treat breast and prostate cancers. Not loving the idea of an abdominal injection :-\
There are several side effects with it, hot sweats and flushes, weight gain (great as already have a problem with that anyway), Osteoporosis, migraine, upset stomach and whole host of itchy rashes /hives problems. Fantastic. I get to go from mental person every two weeks to a sweaty, red, fat, vomiting freak with a headache. Delightful.
I was really upset this morning when they told me that they had not ordered in the medication, I had psyched myself up for it. On the other hand, at least I got to find out a bit more about it before I have it.
I am starting the HRT today though. This takes me up to 60mg Citalopram (one tablet of 40mg and one of 20mg) 15mg Busparone (3 x 5mg per day) 1 multivit with iron, one 2.5mg Tibolone per day. You will hear me rattle as I approach.
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