My period arrived on Sunday, the real thing. Hence why I was so psychotic on Saturday. The day after a psychotic attack like that,I am totally wiped out. Quite literally exhausted. Then the day after that I am a perfectly normal, sane individual. Yes really!!
Monday was OK, was still a bit tired but that could be the whole clock change thing too, that throws me off totally in the spring time! I lose track of days and all sorts! Yesterday was Tuesday but felt like Wednesday and today IS Wednesday but feels like Tuesday!!! What is going on??!!!
We had a new carpet fitted today, at last. We moved into this house about 6 weeks ago, it is a lovely little 3 bed house in a nice quiet road, near to school and playschool and suits us. We only rent and when we looked round it was lovely. The day we got our keys though, well, you have never smelled anything so awful. The smell of dog was overwhelming. So much so that my Husband couldn't stay in the house for more than an hour as he is allergic to animals and it affected him so badly. We had to stay out of the house until it was cleaned, it was 3 days later we eventually got to move in!
So after all this time we have a lovely new carpet! Although I think it may be a bit lighter than the landlord intended! It is beige, but quite a light beige. Beige carpet and a 3 year old boy..... good combination???
My daughter has her friend round this afternoon and then we have parents evening so I had better go and make their dinner. I just hope this post is far happier than the last one! But saying that, I think if I had posted that my eyeballs had fallen out it would have been a happier post than the last one!!!!!
Until next time.
Wednesday 31 March 2010
Monday 29 March 2010
Treatment starts in 3 days
Today is Monday and on Thursday morning I will have my first injection to kick start a menopause.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
Sunday 28 March 2010
Grab a cuppa, it's a long one.
Yesterday was a very low day. The lowest for a long time and my poor Mum was here to witness it.
She has never seen me in the state I was in yesterday,and if she has then it would be have been before I was
diagnosed with PMDD and I would have been a teen so she would have put it down teenage angst. Anyway, I think it really
worried her. Probably scared her quite alot too.
I have always been a bit mental to a degree, I read that a history of mental health problems usually preceeds a diagnosis of PMDD and I certainly tick that box. I don't know of many other people who take revenge with a bottle of nitromorse, headbutt someone just because they are holding your wrists, punch holes in walls, run away to another country to escape "real life"????
I could go right back to the begining... in fact I will. Right the way back. Some things in life are just circumstantial, shit luck, wrong time and wrong place, those things you can learn to get past. Some things in life are more than that, they are
the direct result of some one elses doing. It is those things that take more work to get over. Most people have one or two things in their life that are hard to deal with and need a bit of help with. You would be incredibly lucky if you got through life without any heartache.
Let me explain, but before I do I want to tell you that I do not want sympathy, pity or words of comfort. It won't help anyway. Some people who read this know me, they may know me quite well and see me every day but they won't know what I am about to explain, I don't mind sharing but I don't want people to judge me. Some people who read this may know some details already. I warn you now, before you read on, some details are a bit harrowing.
If I go back to the start and tell all, it will probably come as no surprise that I am mentally ill. I think it is only now that I
can place everything together and know that what I suffer with each month in the final two weeks is a sever depression brought about
by hormones that kick off the mourning of my childhood, the anger and the self loathing.
When me and my sister were little we were surrounded by lots of family. We had both sets of Grandparents living nearby and lots of Aunts and Uncles. Sounds perfect. When I was about three and a half one set of Grandparents moved almost 300 miles away. This wasn't just a random move, they were originally from The North. But we would go to stay with them and they would come down and stay with us or my Aunt and Uncle. From the outside everything would have been rosy. But as I grew up a little I realised that things were really not normal or rosy at all. I can't remember the realisation, I think it was just a gradual thing. I had already been groomed pretty
much from birth so I never knew any different. I just always thought that my Grandad really loved me, that I was really special. I was his favourite. And even though they moved so far away, my sister and I would spend time up there in holidays and at Christmas.
Looking back I think the abuse was possibly worse because it was far more concentrated into weekly or fortnightly visits.
When I was 7 my parents took on a new career and we moved from the seaside to a big town near London. I don't ever remember this time being anything but fun. A huge garden to play in, people always around, it was great! A year or so after we moved in we had an armed robbery, thankfully me and my sister weren't at home when it happened but things changed after that. The best change was that we got
our dog Thor, he was great! You have to take the positives after all ;-) Bars went up on the windows and my parents changed. To look back now I can see that this was the point that my Dad started to use drink in a bad way. It went hand in hand with the job anyway, you know the scenario, some one buys a drink and the "have one yourself" line happens. But over the following couple of years I can look back
and feel the tension. As a kid I don't think I took much notice but it obviously had an effect. I always felt very distant from my Dad, I guess we never had a chance to be close, he worked away when I was a baby, then when he worked at home it was a demanding job that left no time for family. It upests me greatly because that time is something I can never get back. It upsets me more because the only male figure
in my life then was my abuser. I used to ask to go and stay at my Grandparents in Canvey because it was normal for me. I loved it there. It meant a proper house to sleep in, no one would hurt me, there were lots of Aunts and Uncles who I could spend time with and my Granny was acers.
When I hit my early teens life got hard, not just because hitting teens sucks but because I really didn't know who I was. I was still being abused by my Grandfather and my Dad was drinking on a regular basis, I hated school and I started to bunk off. I was already smoking and drinking regluarly myeslf. Oh the irony. But one good thing was that I had a really good male influence on my life. My big brother.
Not by blood relation but he was my sister's boyfriend and he was the best thing ever. He was fun and the most normal man I had ever met. I was very fond of him, I treated him like a brother because that is exactly what he was to me.
So as my behaviour got worse, so did my Dad's drinking until eventually he got caught drinking and driving. That was the end of life as I knew it. My whole world, and that of my Mum and my sister, came crashing down. We lost the pub that we called home, the only thing for us was to move back to Canvey. Except that my sister stayed in Chadwell Heath with her boyfriend. She pretty much escaped. Because life just
got worse. I was 14, forced to move schools, move to a new area and make new friends and when you are slightly mental it is no easy feat. My Mum had to start her life over again, find a new job at 41 nearly 42. My Dad went back to bricklaying and his state of mind deteriorated further and further. Is mental health hereditory?
The new school was hell on Earth, I was bullied, I dreaded each and every day. I think I started bunking off sometime around the start of 1994 and I hardly went back until the end of the year when the year above had left. But I was in my first proper relationship. This proved to be a turning point for me because apart from my bestest friend I had told no one about the abuse. The abuse had only stopped a short while previously and I felt that I had to tell him about it as things were getting serious. It is the first male I had talked to about it all. But still I didn't feel very affected by it all. Life was normal for a while, but I had gone from one abuse to another as I was broken down in confidence and controlled. But I still stayed with him, maybe I was just used to it? Knew no different than to be controlled and I misunderstood love. At 17 I moved out of home, convinced that I would be better if I was a "grown up". How wrong was I? I started to go out with friends and
realised that at 17 nearly 18 I should be going out and socialising and doing what other people my age were doing, not sitting at home because I wasn't allowed out. So I left. I moved back home and went on a massive month long bender. At some point during me leaving and moving home and drinking myself into oblivion I met up with the ex boyfriend. I fell pregnant. I didn't know it at the time though. The first I knew about it was when I got really ill. As I mentioned before, I always had trouble with periods and to bleed for weeks on end was nothing unusual. But this was
slightly different. When I finally went to the doctor I was told not to be so silly, that I had messed up my pills, that I was imagining it. I got so ill that I couldn't physically get out of bed. My sister took me to the doctor I think, I can barely remember. I think he suggested a miscarriage. I went for a scan and sure enough, I was pregnant. There was a foetus but I don't know how old it was. I was just 18 and had a D & C and just wanted to go to the pub. Too traumatised by it all. Even more upset that the ex boyfriend laughed at me. That was when I took revenge with a bottle of paint stripper. I had never been so hurt and my mental state was now severely affected.
I think I blundered through the next few years somehow. I know that it was around this time I had started to binge on food. It was almost like comfort eating in the extreme. Instead of picking on crap food on a day when you feel a bit shit, I would save it all up and have a massive splurge in one sitting. I often thought about purging, but I never had the courage to make myself sick.
Another couple of bad relationships, a cheating boyfriend, an older boyfriend who had children of his own. I had a termination because he was adamant he never wanted more and yet that was all I wanted. A family of my own. That was yet another moment of just getting through it to get past it so I could go down the pub.
Then in August 2000 after spending the most part of that year getting hammered and blotting out life a chance meeting in the pub (see the pub features lots!) I
met up with some friends and from that moment on my life changed. Like a complete whirlwind I knew it was the best moment. Within just a few short months I was getting married a having a baby!!! Our daughter was born the following August. The first grandchild for my parents. A very exciting time, all the family came to see her. Including my Grandfather. He was old and getting frail by now but it was still a sickening moment when my Mum placed my newborn baby girl into his hands. The hands of a paedophile, I had to just stand and watch. My husband left the room, he couldn't cope with it at all. Who can blame him?
Over the course of my twenties my binge eating progressively got worse, my moods got worse, my anger got worse. My Grandad died when my daughter was nearly 3 and I really thought this was the cure I needed. But by 27 I was my heaviest ever. Bottling everything up I just binged most days. In the December of 2005 I found I was pregnant. I was so happy, and funnily enough all the way through my pregnancy I lost weight! Our son was born the following August and he was hard work. The hardest! But I had everything I wanted. Except sanity.
We moved away to a new town in November 2007. Because we all know that running away makes everything better right? I was the best thing we ever did though. We love it in our new home town, we have the best friends and have settled really well. But my sanity took a tumble when my Nanny got diagnosed with Terminal cancer in February 2009. I knew that she knew what happened to me. If she went then I would have no one who knew for sure. My Grandad wasn't around to answer to. I struggled with so many emotions that in the May, 2 days after being at the birth of my nephew, I saw a Psychiatrist. She told me that I will never deal with this until my family knows. That night I told my sister. Over the course of the following week I summoned up the courage to tell my parents. On 22nd May 2009 I broke my parents hearts.
It has been an ordeal over the past year and we get through each day as best we can. I don't want to trivialise this past year by not giving it much airtime on here but I think this post has been long enough already. Getting across exactly how hard this past year has been for us all, probably deserves a post of its own.
Needless to say that this all affects me when I get to days like yesterday. It all goes hand in hand.
Well this has exhausted me so I will leave it there. Well done for getting this far with this post.
She has never seen me in the state I was in yesterday,and if she has then it would be have been before I was
diagnosed with PMDD and I would have been a teen so she would have put it down teenage angst. Anyway, I think it really
worried her. Probably scared her quite alot too.
I have always been a bit mental to a degree, I read that a history of mental health problems usually preceeds a diagnosis of PMDD and I certainly tick that box. I don't know of many other people who take revenge with a bottle of nitromorse, headbutt someone just because they are holding your wrists, punch holes in walls, run away to another country to escape "real life"????
I could go right back to the begining... in fact I will. Right the way back. Some things in life are just circumstantial, shit luck, wrong time and wrong place, those things you can learn to get past. Some things in life are more than that, they are
the direct result of some one elses doing. It is those things that take more work to get over. Most people have one or two things in their life that are hard to deal with and need a bit of help with. You would be incredibly lucky if you got through life without any heartache.
Let me explain, but before I do I want to tell you that I do not want sympathy, pity or words of comfort. It won't help anyway. Some people who read this know me, they may know me quite well and see me every day but they won't know what I am about to explain, I don't mind sharing but I don't want people to judge me. Some people who read this may know some details already. I warn you now, before you read on, some details are a bit harrowing.
If I go back to the start and tell all, it will probably come as no surprise that I am mentally ill. I think it is only now that I
can place everything together and know that what I suffer with each month in the final two weeks is a sever depression brought about
by hormones that kick off the mourning of my childhood, the anger and the self loathing.
When me and my sister were little we were surrounded by lots of family. We had both sets of Grandparents living nearby and lots of Aunts and Uncles. Sounds perfect. When I was about three and a half one set of Grandparents moved almost 300 miles away. This wasn't just a random move, they were originally from The North. But we would go to stay with them and they would come down and stay with us or my Aunt and Uncle. From the outside everything would have been rosy. But as I grew up a little I realised that things were really not normal or rosy at all. I can't remember the realisation, I think it was just a gradual thing. I had already been groomed pretty
much from birth so I never knew any different. I just always thought that my Grandad really loved me, that I was really special. I was his favourite. And even though they moved so far away, my sister and I would spend time up there in holidays and at Christmas.
Looking back I think the abuse was possibly worse because it was far more concentrated into weekly or fortnightly visits.
When I was 7 my parents took on a new career and we moved from the seaside to a big town near London. I don't ever remember this time being anything but fun. A huge garden to play in, people always around, it was great! A year or so after we moved in we had an armed robbery, thankfully me and my sister weren't at home when it happened but things changed after that. The best change was that we got
our dog Thor, he was great! You have to take the positives after all ;-) Bars went up on the windows and my parents changed. To look back now I can see that this was the point that my Dad started to use drink in a bad way. It went hand in hand with the job anyway, you know the scenario, some one buys a drink and the "have one yourself" line happens. But over the following couple of years I can look back
and feel the tension. As a kid I don't think I took much notice but it obviously had an effect. I always felt very distant from my Dad, I guess we never had a chance to be close, he worked away when I was a baby, then when he worked at home it was a demanding job that left no time for family. It upests me greatly because that time is something I can never get back. It upsets me more because the only male figure
in my life then was my abuser. I used to ask to go and stay at my Grandparents in Canvey because it was normal for me. I loved it there. It meant a proper house to sleep in, no one would hurt me, there were lots of Aunts and Uncles who I could spend time with and my Granny was acers.
When I hit my early teens life got hard, not just because hitting teens sucks but because I really didn't know who I was. I was still being abused by my Grandfather and my Dad was drinking on a regular basis, I hated school and I started to bunk off. I was already smoking and drinking regluarly myeslf. Oh the irony. But one good thing was that I had a really good male influence on my life. My big brother.
Not by blood relation but he was my sister's boyfriend and he was the best thing ever. He was fun and the most normal man I had ever met. I was very fond of him, I treated him like a brother because that is exactly what he was to me.
So as my behaviour got worse, so did my Dad's drinking until eventually he got caught drinking and driving. That was the end of life as I knew it. My whole world, and that of my Mum and my sister, came crashing down. We lost the pub that we called home, the only thing for us was to move back to Canvey. Except that my sister stayed in Chadwell Heath with her boyfriend. She pretty much escaped. Because life just
got worse. I was 14, forced to move schools, move to a new area and make new friends and when you are slightly mental it is no easy feat. My Mum had to start her life over again, find a new job at 41 nearly 42. My Dad went back to bricklaying and his state of mind deteriorated further and further. Is mental health hereditory?
The new school was hell on Earth, I was bullied, I dreaded each and every day. I think I started bunking off sometime around the start of 1994 and I hardly went back until the end of the year when the year above had left. But I was in my first proper relationship. This proved to be a turning point for me because apart from my bestest friend I had told no one about the abuse. The abuse had only stopped a short while previously and I felt that I had to tell him about it as things were getting serious. It is the first male I had talked to about it all. But still I didn't feel very affected by it all. Life was normal for a while, but I had gone from one abuse to another as I was broken down in confidence and controlled. But I still stayed with him, maybe I was just used to it? Knew no different than to be controlled and I misunderstood love. At 17 I moved out of home, convinced that I would be better if I was a "grown up". How wrong was I? I started to go out with friends and
realised that at 17 nearly 18 I should be going out and socialising and doing what other people my age were doing, not sitting at home because I wasn't allowed out. So I left. I moved back home and went on a massive month long bender. At some point during me leaving and moving home and drinking myself into oblivion I met up with the ex boyfriend. I fell pregnant. I didn't know it at the time though. The first I knew about it was when I got really ill. As I mentioned before, I always had trouble with periods and to bleed for weeks on end was nothing unusual. But this was
slightly different. When I finally went to the doctor I was told not to be so silly, that I had messed up my pills, that I was imagining it. I got so ill that I couldn't physically get out of bed. My sister took me to the doctor I think, I can barely remember. I think he suggested a miscarriage. I went for a scan and sure enough, I was pregnant. There was a foetus but I don't know how old it was. I was just 18 and had a D & C and just wanted to go to the pub. Too traumatised by it all. Even more upset that the ex boyfriend laughed at me. That was when I took revenge with a bottle of paint stripper. I had never been so hurt and my mental state was now severely affected.
I think I blundered through the next few years somehow. I know that it was around this time I had started to binge on food. It was almost like comfort eating in the extreme. Instead of picking on crap food on a day when you feel a bit shit, I would save it all up and have a massive splurge in one sitting. I often thought about purging, but I never had the courage to make myself sick.
Another couple of bad relationships, a cheating boyfriend, an older boyfriend who had children of his own. I had a termination because he was adamant he never wanted more and yet that was all I wanted. A family of my own. That was yet another moment of just getting through it to get past it so I could go down the pub.
Then in August 2000 after spending the most part of that year getting hammered and blotting out life a chance meeting in the pub (see the pub features lots!) I
met up with some friends and from that moment on my life changed. Like a complete whirlwind I knew it was the best moment. Within just a few short months I was getting married a having a baby!!! Our daughter was born the following August. The first grandchild for my parents. A very exciting time, all the family came to see her. Including my Grandfather. He was old and getting frail by now but it was still a sickening moment when my Mum placed my newborn baby girl into his hands. The hands of a paedophile, I had to just stand and watch. My husband left the room, he couldn't cope with it at all. Who can blame him?
Over the course of my twenties my binge eating progressively got worse, my moods got worse, my anger got worse. My Grandad died when my daughter was nearly 3 and I really thought this was the cure I needed. But by 27 I was my heaviest ever. Bottling everything up I just binged most days. In the December of 2005 I found I was pregnant. I was so happy, and funnily enough all the way through my pregnancy I lost weight! Our son was born the following August and he was hard work. The hardest! But I had everything I wanted. Except sanity.
We moved away to a new town in November 2007. Because we all know that running away makes everything better right? I was the best thing we ever did though. We love it in our new home town, we have the best friends and have settled really well. But my sanity took a tumble when my Nanny got diagnosed with Terminal cancer in February 2009. I knew that she knew what happened to me. If she went then I would have no one who knew for sure. My Grandad wasn't around to answer to. I struggled with so many emotions that in the May, 2 days after being at the birth of my nephew, I saw a Psychiatrist. She told me that I will never deal with this until my family knows. That night I told my sister. Over the course of the following week I summoned up the courage to tell my parents. On 22nd May 2009 I broke my parents hearts.
It has been an ordeal over the past year and we get through each day as best we can. I don't want to trivialise this past year by not giving it much airtime on here but I think this post has been long enough already. Getting across exactly how hard this past year has been for us all, probably deserves a post of its own.
Needless to say that this all affects me when I get to days like yesterday. It all goes hand in hand.
Well this has exhausted me so I will leave it there. Well done for getting this far with this post.
Friday 26 March 2010
AWOL again
I really do not know what is happening to me this month. I give up. Anyway, these past few days have been very busy. Yesterday I took my daughter (nearly 9) to a modelling agency at which she got taken on, we are very proud of her, she has overcome a lot in the last two years and has grown into a very happy little girl with more confidence than ever before.
My son, however, has been an absolute nightmare, he is 3 (nearly 4) and is really challenging. He screams at the slightest telling off and will physically hit out in temper. Testing my patience to the extreme he even ran into a busy road 3 days ago, thankfully he was fine and the car that was coming at the time was going slow enough to stop way before getting to close to him. Heart in throat moment though! Needless to say he spent the rest of the day firmly attached to my side. What is it about a small person that they can make you feel utter rage and then total adoration within 0.8 seconds???
Going off on a tangent for a moment I have received a letter from the doctors today asking me to go for a smear test, that 3 years has gone ever so quickly! My problem is that I am not sure how I feel about going for it. I have never had a problem before now. It has never bothered me at all. But last year was an awful year and maybe another time I shall elaborate more but in the meantime just trust that I really have a problem with anything like that now.
So here we have yet another post about my estranged period. Usually it wouldn't even be due to appear yet but this month has gone skew anyway and now I have no clue!
Moods have been irratic but not as bad as they could be.
Until next time.
My son, however, has been an absolute nightmare, he is 3 (nearly 4) and is really challenging. He screams at the slightest telling off and will physically hit out in temper. Testing my patience to the extreme he even ran into a busy road 3 days ago, thankfully he was fine and the car that was coming at the time was going slow enough to stop way before getting to close to him. Heart in throat moment though! Needless to say he spent the rest of the day firmly attached to my side. What is it about a small person that they can make you feel utter rage and then total adoration within 0.8 seconds???
Going off on a tangent for a moment I have received a letter from the doctors today asking me to go for a smear test, that 3 years has gone ever so quickly! My problem is that I am not sure how I feel about going for it. I have never had a problem before now. It has never bothered me at all. But last year was an awful year and maybe another time I shall elaborate more but in the meantime just trust that I really have a problem with anything like that now.
So here we have yet another post about my estranged period. Usually it wouldn't even be due to appear yet but this month has gone skew anyway and now I have no clue!
Moods have been irratic but not as bad as they could be.
Until next time.
Tuesday 23 March 2010
Where for art thou?
So, period gone AWOL. God knows what is up there. Feeling a bit narky but not too bad really. Am battling sweet cravings though. Gah I am so sick of this, I don't even know what is up with my cycles anymore, I have enough to contend with without having to second guess where I am in my cycle. This cycle has been horrendous, I have not had a single day without some blood loss. I am probably sharing wayyy to much information here!!!!! But it has been really awful. Some days have been like red and full on, and others barely anything.
I wonder if there are any men with a weird fetish who follow this?? LOL!!!!
Anyway, found some information to add here to help.
http://pmdd-community.com/
http://lifewpmdd.com/
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/293257-overview
I wonder if there are any men with a weird fetish who follow this?? LOL!!!!
Anyway, found some information to add here to help.
http://pmdd-community.com/
http://lifewpmdd.com/
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/293257-overview
Sunday 21 March 2010
Back to Normality
I feel bloody brilliant! The sun is out, I have just battled through 40 minutes of kick boxing, about to have some breakfast and I feel good!
Inevitably my period has arrived and hence why I feel all is right with the world! Most women dread the arrival of their period, the cramps, the inconvenience. But for me I can handle the cramps, they aren't as bad as the pain I get in the middle to end of my cycle. Yeah sure, the blood loss isn't pleasant and I seem to have more than average, more like a hemorrage each month, but it has calmed down a lot. I had a coil fitted last year, one of the "fixes" that was supposed to stop everything being so bad, all that did was calm down the blood loss. Most women don't bleed at all with a Mirena, so I guess the hormones in it are supposed to stop it.
I should mention the medication I am on too. I currently take 60mg Citalopram, 15mg Busparone and an iron tablet everyday. The Citalopram has levelled me out immensely but it doesn't affect me at all in the second half of my cycle, this is why I knew there was more to it than just depression. The Busparone is an anti anxiety drug, like Valium but less addictive. This has helped with the paranoia and panic attacks I regularly got, although I do still suffer with the paranoia sometimes. Finally the iron tablets, this is to help with the anaemia I suffer with the amount of blood loss I get, this is why I get so lethargic every month.
So before I get caught up with explaining too much boring stuff I am off to enjoy my day, my Daughter has a party today and we have friends round for dinner tonight, I am cooking them a wonderful recipe courtesy of my friend Shev on her SlimmingEats website. She does the most amazing food, whether you are following the Slimming World plan or not!!!
That is all for now, I am off to find my play centre attire - no one will keep me off the monkey bars today ;)
Inevitably my period has arrived and hence why I feel all is right with the world! Most women dread the arrival of their period, the cramps, the inconvenience. But for me I can handle the cramps, they aren't as bad as the pain I get in the middle to end of my cycle. Yeah sure, the blood loss isn't pleasant and I seem to have more than average, more like a hemorrage each month, but it has calmed down a lot. I had a coil fitted last year, one of the "fixes" that was supposed to stop everything being so bad, all that did was calm down the blood loss. Most women don't bleed at all with a Mirena, so I guess the hormones in it are supposed to stop it.
I should mention the medication I am on too. I currently take 60mg Citalopram, 15mg Busparone and an iron tablet everyday. The Citalopram has levelled me out immensely but it doesn't affect me at all in the second half of my cycle, this is why I knew there was more to it than just depression. The Busparone is an anti anxiety drug, like Valium but less addictive. This has helped with the paranoia and panic attacks I regularly got, although I do still suffer with the paranoia sometimes. Finally the iron tablets, this is to help with the anaemia I suffer with the amount of blood loss I get, this is why I get so lethargic every month.
So before I get caught up with explaining too much boring stuff I am off to enjoy my day, my Daughter has a party today and we have friends round for dinner tonight, I am cooking them a wonderful recipe courtesy of my friend Shev on her SlimmingEats website. She does the most amazing food, whether you are following the Slimming World plan or not!!!
That is all for now, I am off to find my play centre attire - no one will keep me off the monkey bars today ;)
Saturday 20 March 2010
Allotments are the answer
After a super slump on Thursday afternoon I spent the evening crying like a baby. It is so hard to explain after the darkness has gone, but it is like nothing in the whole world matters and there is no one that feels the way I do. It is when this darkness comes over that I could easily slip into a suicidal state. It just feels like no one would even notice, no one would even care. It is a totally numb feeling. The tiredness that comes from this is overwhelming, I literally feel like I could sleep forever. It is impossible to explain what all these emotions and feelings are like unless you have felt them.
It is a vicious circle, I know that by getting up and doing exercise I will feel better but, to actually make myself get up and do it is impossible. So I feel crap for the rest of the day and want to binge on sweet things, which makes me feel rubbish and so on.
Yesterday morning I looked like a zombie, puffy eyes, black circles, grey skin. I looked ill. These are the physical effects of the mental torture. Then in the afternoon when I felt marginally brighter, my Husband took the opportunity to force me out the door and over to the newly acquired allotment!
I spent just over an hour clearing, weeding and preparing one of the beds ready to have some potatoes planted. The physical work set off the endorphins and I felt lots better, there is such a connection. It did help to kick start me a bit and after an evening with some friends and a lovely dinner I went to bed much happier last night. I even managed to get up and do 45 minutes of body sculpt this morning, followed by some ironing and chilling out with the kids. Either this means that an allotment is the answer or that I should see the onset of a period within the next 12 hours or so.
It is a vicious circle, I know that by getting up and doing exercise I will feel better but, to actually make myself get up and do it is impossible. So I feel crap for the rest of the day and want to binge on sweet things, which makes me feel rubbish and so on.
Yesterday morning I looked like a zombie, puffy eyes, black circles, grey skin. I looked ill. These are the physical effects of the mental torture. Then in the afternoon when I felt marginally brighter, my Husband took the opportunity to force me out the door and over to the newly acquired allotment!
I spent just over an hour clearing, weeding and preparing one of the beds ready to have some potatoes planted. The physical work set off the endorphins and I felt lots better, there is such a connection. It did help to kick start me a bit and after an evening with some friends and a lovely dinner I went to bed much happier last night. I even managed to get up and do 45 minutes of body sculpt this morning, followed by some ironing and chilling out with the kids. Either this means that an allotment is the answer or that I should see the onset of a period within the next 12 hours or so.
Thursday 18 March 2010
Welcome to the dark side
The low is kicking in nicely now. The tiredness has hit me and I feel like crap. I fell asleep at 9.30 on the sofa last night, went to bed when my husband woke me and I slept til 7 this morning but still feel really tired. I am resisting the urge to eat cakes and chocolate. This is the biggest contender I have each month. It really gets me down. I joke about being a cakeaholic and a chocoholic because really, the shame of how much I can put away in one sitting is all awful. It really is disgusting. I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder last year, but it is part of the PMDD. How awful is this to be admitting this, I feel wretched with shame now but it is a symptom that needs to be picked up on.
I also haven't really stopped bleeding this cycle, it is the first time I have had this, I usually get two weeks of bleeding then I am OK through the final two weeks. This time it has been on and off the whole time, mostly on. This makes me tired too, even though I take extra iron supplements I don't think my body is keeping hold of the iron due to the amount of blood loss I have.
Grim isn't it?
I can feel the darkness taking over, it started this afternoon and as the past 2 hours have gone on I can feel it consuming me. I would really like to curl up in bed until it passes. Not possible with a 3 year old and an 8 year old. This is the start though, the worst bit. It has arrived a bit later than anticipated but this month is all wonky anyway.
Just phoned the surgery to see if they have my injections in yet and they haven't even had a letter from the hospital. Phoned the hospital, they are shut now. Bloody NHS, I feel like I am forever trapped in the realms of their "communication" which ceases to exist, mostly. I am still awaiting appointments which I have been promised since last May, but that is a whole other story which I may, or may not go into later.
Anyway, I shall leave it there for today. Not really in the mood for going into anymore. Just want to sleep forever.
I also haven't really stopped bleeding this cycle, it is the first time I have had this, I usually get two weeks of bleeding then I am OK through the final two weeks. This time it has been on and off the whole time, mostly on. This makes me tired too, even though I take extra iron supplements I don't think my body is keeping hold of the iron due to the amount of blood loss I have.
Grim isn't it?
I can feel the darkness taking over, it started this afternoon and as the past 2 hours have gone on I can feel it consuming me. I would really like to curl up in bed until it passes. Not possible with a 3 year old and an 8 year old. This is the start though, the worst bit. It has arrived a bit later than anticipated but this month is all wonky anyway.
Just phoned the surgery to see if they have my injections in yet and they haven't even had a letter from the hospital. Phoned the hospital, they are shut now. Bloody NHS, I feel like I am forever trapped in the realms of their "communication" which ceases to exist, mostly. I am still awaiting appointments which I have been promised since last May, but that is a whole other story which I may, or may not go into later.
Anyway, I shall leave it there for today. Not really in the mood for going into anymore. Just want to sleep forever.
Wednesday 17 March 2010
A great response!
I have had some really positive comments since publishing this blog yesterday and I am really pleased to have touched some people enough that have felt the need to message me. I know lots of women who suffer each and every month and mostly suffer in silence because "it is a woman thing" and therefore we should just put up with it because it is nature. Rubbish. When something is so severe that it ruins your day/ week/ month/ life then it is more than just "normal".
Sure we all get cramps, that is part and parcel but I have been told by so many doctors (mostly women I hasten to add) that I will just have to suffer!! So I have done.
Someone pointed out to me that I haven't explained what PMDD stands for, well it is Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The name of the condition makes sense once you know what it stands for!
PMDD apparently affects 4% of women, so it really is quite hard to get a diagnosis for. Even harder because not many people know what it is. Hopefully by spreading the word a bit more, people will become more familiar with it and some women who have been "putting up with it" will be able to press for more investigations.
Sure we all get cramps, that is part and parcel but I have been told by so many doctors (mostly women I hasten to add) that I will just have to suffer!! So I have done.
Someone pointed out to me that I haven't explained what PMDD stands for, well it is Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. The name of the condition makes sense once you know what it stands for!
PMDD apparently affects 4% of women, so it really is quite hard to get a diagnosis for. Even harder because not many people know what it is. Hopefully by spreading the word a bit more, people will become more familiar with it and some women who have been "putting up with it" will be able to press for more investigations.
Tuesday 16 March 2010
The start
It seems apt to make my first post in this blog at a time when I have just received a diagnosis of PMDD. For those unaware of this condition it might be worth reading this http://pmdd.factsforhealth.org/
PMDD, unlike PMS, affects the whole cycle. From day 1 through to the end. It affects my mental state of mind as well as physical symptoms. The physical symptoms consist of very heavy bleeding, severe cramps and bloating, weight gain and lethargy. The mental state of mind is a form of psychosis, it can be anything from being snappy to being suicidal. It is pot luck how I feel from one month to the next.
I have had bouts of a few months when I have felt fine and had hardly any symptoms but then I find I have a really bad month soon after. This was the case towards the end of last year. I found I had a relatively good few months over the summer, then in October I had excruciating ovulation pains which kicked off a horrendous two months in which I was suicidal. I had to make my husband stay home from work because I knew if he left me I would end it.
This has hopefully given a slight insight into what PMDD does to me. Although there is obviously more besides, I don't want to overload this first entry with woeful tales and misery! I am looking forward now, I will go into more details about what I have been through to get here, but for now I am celebrating the diagnosis that I have been after for so long.
The next step from here is that I will receive monthly injections at my local surgery. These injections will be an overload of the progesterone hormone which will bring about a menopause. My reproductive system will shut down and therefore alleviate the symptoms that cause me so much distress and pain. I should hear within a few days. My appointment with the Gynaecologist was last Wednesday (10th March) and it should take about a week to contact my GP.
To bring us up to date, I am now in the "dark phase" of my cycle, the final two weeks. The last two days have not been too bad, I have been exercising and following a low fat diet. Endorphins do help and a good diet is tantamount to helping curb the binge eating (yet another gruesome symptom), but more importantly I need to lose some weight for my sister's wedding in June! And a particularly terrible winter with PMDD has seen me pile on 19lbs in weight. Yuck.
I look forward to updating more!
PMDD, unlike PMS, affects the whole cycle. From day 1 through to the end. It affects my mental state of mind as well as physical symptoms. The physical symptoms consist of very heavy bleeding, severe cramps and bloating, weight gain and lethargy. The mental state of mind is a form of psychosis, it can be anything from being snappy to being suicidal. It is pot luck how I feel from one month to the next.
I have had bouts of a few months when I have felt fine and had hardly any symptoms but then I find I have a really bad month soon after. This was the case towards the end of last year. I found I had a relatively good few months over the summer, then in October I had excruciating ovulation pains which kicked off a horrendous two months in which I was suicidal. I had to make my husband stay home from work because I knew if he left me I would end it.
This has hopefully given a slight insight into what PMDD does to me. Although there is obviously more besides, I don't want to overload this first entry with woeful tales and misery! I am looking forward now, I will go into more details about what I have been through to get here, but for now I am celebrating the diagnosis that I have been after for so long.
The next step from here is that I will receive monthly injections at my local surgery. These injections will be an overload of the progesterone hormone which will bring about a menopause. My reproductive system will shut down and therefore alleviate the symptoms that cause me so much distress and pain. I should hear within a few days. My appointment with the Gynaecologist was last Wednesday (10th March) and it should take about a week to contact my GP.
To bring us up to date, I am now in the "dark phase" of my cycle, the final two weeks. The last two days have not been too bad, I have been exercising and following a low fat diet. Endorphins do help and a good diet is tantamount to helping curb the binge eating (yet another gruesome symptom), but more importantly I need to lose some weight for my sister's wedding in June! And a particularly terrible winter with PMDD has seen me pile on 19lbs in weight. Yuck.
I look forward to updating more!
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