I had a bizarre dream last night. I was dreaming about talking on the phone to Nanny, it was a normal conversation, exactly like it used to be. No effort, no awkwardness, just pure enjoyment of our conversation.
Still no contact though.
Friday 16 July 2010
Tuesday 13 July 2010
Dear Nanny
After getting if off my chest about my feelings towards my Nan, I have written her a letter. I am sending it to her.
Not sure if I will publish the letter yet, it is quite personal.
Not sure if I will publish the letter yet, it is quite personal.
Monday 12 July 2010
Random Musings
Something has been niggling away at my brain. I haven't spoken about it to anyone as I don't really know what to say about it all. It has been there for a while now. My Nanny has not phoned me, spoken to me, written to me or had any contact with me since the last can of worms was opened. Not a single bit of contact.
Is this how much I am worth to her? That she can hide her guilt within and carry on her life without having to deal with anything? She can bury it all and not deal with it and cut off anyone who is hurting because she doesn't want to face up to it? As if it isn't bad enough to be let down by her in the first place, now I have been rejected by her too.
Yet the thing is, I am not upset about it to the extent of crying my eyes and willing her to call me. Truth be told, it is quite nice not having to make idle conversation that means fuck all. I am relieved to not have to talk to her because I could not bare to listen to meaningless crap she would talk about. But at the same time, I am scared that now I have lost her altogether. She has terminal Cancer and is 84 years old, she hasn't got many years left in her. She has totally denied all knowledge of my Grandfathers reign of abuse, yet was totally aware and even went so far as to allow him to do it. I should be glad of the lack of contact, I should be glad that she hasn't much time left. But I love her. I can't help it, I cannot switch off all the good memories I have with her, all the hours I have spent on the phone talking meaningless crap! I used to enjoy just hearing her voice, she has such a comforting voice. But that same comforting voice I used to love just sounds like a stranger, and I couldn't wait to get off the phone any time she called.
Why has it all gone so wrong? Everything turned upside down and whilst us lot down here are dealing with the fallout, she has buried her head and refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing, and more than that, refuses to even accept that anything bad has happened at all.
But, moving on, have I updated since my injection??? If I haven't then all was fine! No pain this time, just a bruise and the usual tiredness.
We have some wonderful weather at the moment though so I really don't have anything to complain about!
Is this how much I am worth to her? That she can hide her guilt within and carry on her life without having to deal with anything? She can bury it all and not deal with it and cut off anyone who is hurting because she doesn't want to face up to it? As if it isn't bad enough to be let down by her in the first place, now I have been rejected by her too.
Yet the thing is, I am not upset about it to the extent of crying my eyes and willing her to call me. Truth be told, it is quite nice not having to make idle conversation that means fuck all. I am relieved to not have to talk to her because I could not bare to listen to meaningless crap she would talk about. But at the same time, I am scared that now I have lost her altogether. She has terminal Cancer and is 84 years old, she hasn't got many years left in her. She has totally denied all knowledge of my Grandfathers reign of abuse, yet was totally aware and even went so far as to allow him to do it. I should be glad of the lack of contact, I should be glad that she hasn't much time left. But I love her. I can't help it, I cannot switch off all the good memories I have with her, all the hours I have spent on the phone talking meaningless crap! I used to enjoy just hearing her voice, she has such a comforting voice. But that same comforting voice I used to love just sounds like a stranger, and I couldn't wait to get off the phone any time she called.
Why has it all gone so wrong? Everything turned upside down and whilst us lot down here are dealing with the fallout, she has buried her head and refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing, and more than that, refuses to even accept that anything bad has happened at all.
But, moving on, have I updated since my injection??? If I haven't then all was fine! No pain this time, just a bruise and the usual tiredness.
We have some wonderful weather at the moment though so I really don't have anything to complain about!
Monday 5 July 2010
So tired...
4th injection was had on Wednesday last week. All was fine, did not even flinch. I have got used to it and the nurse is well practised now! However, the tiredness still knocks me sideways. It is like being hit by a bus, the kind of tiredness that makes you ache from head to toe. It lasted all the way through the weekend, but I think that was partly the injection and partly that my Son was not well so I had broken sleep anyway.
The physical symptoms of Menopause seem to be really kicking in, sporadic bleeds, hot sweats, terrible skin and the occasional outburst of anger. But the physical symptoms of PMDD are almost gone. You could say that the anger was related to one of three things, could be PMDD, Menopause or the trauma. Maybe I am just an angry person??!!
I don't have any crippling pain anymore, no fear of the coming weeks which led to the anxiety and panic attacks and no suicidal tendencies at the end of two weeks of hell. I do still get the panic which rises when I am out of my comfort zone. Being in our little town is like being in a bubble, same people out and about, regular faces and familiar sights, so stepping outside of that is hard. I can go to see family and I can go to unfamiliar places with family, but outside of that I know I can't do it. Not yet anyway. I am getting better though, it was only last year I was too scared to even drive anywhere. For me to not drive I must have been in a bad way, I love driving, it was the one thing I could not wait to do. I took my first driving lesson on my 17th birthday and passed my test within 3 months!
There are only two more injections before my review. I am trying not to get my hopes up that there will be a unanimous decision to get me in for surgery to have a full hysterectomy quickly. But that is what I want. My life is still pretty much on hold until I know that is the answer, there are things I want to do but I can't commit to them until I know what the timescale of completing my treatment is. But I do know I want a hysterectomy, my life is transformed by these injections and if this is how life will be then I want it. I want life to be like this all the time, without fear of the coming weeks and the constant worry about how I will feel the next day or next week or whether I need to hide indoors because I can't go out for fear of bleeding and flooding the place!
Roll on September.
The physical symptoms of Menopause seem to be really kicking in, sporadic bleeds, hot sweats, terrible skin and the occasional outburst of anger. But the physical symptoms of PMDD are almost gone. You could say that the anger was related to one of three things, could be PMDD, Menopause or the trauma. Maybe I am just an angry person??!!
I don't have any crippling pain anymore, no fear of the coming weeks which led to the anxiety and panic attacks and no suicidal tendencies at the end of two weeks of hell. I do still get the panic which rises when I am out of my comfort zone. Being in our little town is like being in a bubble, same people out and about, regular faces and familiar sights, so stepping outside of that is hard. I can go to see family and I can go to unfamiliar places with family, but outside of that I know I can't do it. Not yet anyway. I am getting better though, it was only last year I was too scared to even drive anywhere. For me to not drive I must have been in a bad way, I love driving, it was the one thing I could not wait to do. I took my first driving lesson on my 17th birthday and passed my test within 3 months!
There are only two more injections before my review. I am trying not to get my hopes up that there will be a unanimous decision to get me in for surgery to have a full hysterectomy quickly. But that is what I want. My life is still pretty much on hold until I know that is the answer, there are things I want to do but I can't commit to them until I know what the timescale of completing my treatment is. But I do know I want a hysterectomy, my life is transformed by these injections and if this is how life will be then I want it. I want life to be like this all the time, without fear of the coming weeks and the constant worry about how I will feel the next day or next week or whether I need to hide indoors because I can't go out for fear of bleeding and flooding the place!
Roll on September.
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