Am going to see my Nanny on Monday. Looking forward to it and also apprehensive. I am glad to get the opportunity to be putting things right, some people never get the chance to say what they want or need to do they? I am getting a chance to salvage something and make it right again and for that I will be eternally grateful.
I picked up my injection from the Doctors surgery today, the last one before I know my fate! There is also a report in there about me to the Doctor who will administer it. In the letter it tells of my symptoms and the Gynae's opinion of my condition which is all fine but in it, it says I am a very pleasant 31 year old!!!! Very pleasant!! ME?!
So the 6 weeks holidays are drawing to an end, just 14 days left. Have enjoyed them immensely but I am so looking forward to them going to school!! My 9 year old has adopted a Kevin and Perry stance of late. It isn't even funny how much attitude she has. The sulky face and the back chat shouldn't be happening yet should they???
Looking forward to next week, not just for tying up some loose ends but also to catch up with my mate L, am going to be a lady wot lunches!!!
Next update will be the final injection!!!!
Thursday 19 August 2010
Thursday 12 August 2010
Going to Stop Living in the Past.
Since I last posted here, I sent the letter to my Nanny. It was a very cathartic letter to write. Nanny responded very quickly. It was a long letter and the contents were not what I expected, to be fair. The letter I received was apologetic, there were admissions of knowing some aspects and explanations of what she did know. It took some time to digest exactly what was in the letter and I went through some strange emotions.
Since this part of my life has come to light, there has been lots of blaming and anger. I have realised that this all came about because of the breakdown I suffered last year, as a result of the PMDD causing it. I realise that one has a profound effect on the other. Everything seems so clear to me now.
If I did not have PMDD I would not have had a breakdown, if I had not had a breakdown I would not have kept the abuse a secret. If I had not spoken about it I would never have dealt with it. And there is my reason for appreciating this condition. I wouldn't want anyone to be suffering with it, but if it makes you realise some things that are important or makes you deal with something you would never have done in any other circumstances then that has to be a positive.
In dealing with this abuse with my family I have come to realise what else is important. Me. I don't want to grow old and be bitter forever. I want to move on and forward and live my life for me and my family. I need to get on with my life, I have had a year of wallowing and dealing with it and the previous 30 years wearing a mask to cover it up. My life is so totally different now but there is one thing missing. Nanny.
I am travelling up to see her on 23rd. I miss her, I love her and I want to have her in my life before she dies. I want to salvage something from this mess and put it all in the past, move on and forward and live my life. I want to forgive and lay it to rest, I don't want to be consumed by anger and hatred. I don't want to blame people and wonder "what if something had been done". The truth is, nothing can change now. It happened, but I am still here. I have a family, I have my children, my Husband, wonderful friends and most importantly I have a strength.
I am me no matter what has happened to me or what I have done, these things all make me who I am. I can't be defined as a survivor, a victim, a strong person or a weak person because I am all of those things for differing reasons. I just hope that I am a good person and one who, one day, will be understood.
Since this part of my life has come to light, there has been lots of blaming and anger. I have realised that this all came about because of the breakdown I suffered last year, as a result of the PMDD causing it. I realise that one has a profound effect on the other. Everything seems so clear to me now.
If I did not have PMDD I would not have had a breakdown, if I had not had a breakdown I would not have kept the abuse a secret. If I had not spoken about it I would never have dealt with it. And there is my reason for appreciating this condition. I wouldn't want anyone to be suffering with it, but if it makes you realise some things that are important or makes you deal with something you would never have done in any other circumstances then that has to be a positive.
In dealing with this abuse with my family I have come to realise what else is important. Me. I don't want to grow old and be bitter forever. I want to move on and forward and live my life for me and my family. I need to get on with my life, I have had a year of wallowing and dealing with it and the previous 30 years wearing a mask to cover it up. My life is so totally different now but there is one thing missing. Nanny.
I am travelling up to see her on 23rd. I miss her, I love her and I want to have her in my life before she dies. I want to salvage something from this mess and put it all in the past, move on and forward and live my life. I want to forgive and lay it to rest, I don't want to be consumed by anger and hatred. I don't want to blame people and wonder "what if something had been done". The truth is, nothing can change now. It happened, but I am still here. I have a family, I have my children, my Husband, wonderful friends and most importantly I have a strength.
I am me no matter what has happened to me or what I have done, these things all make me who I am. I can't be defined as a survivor, a victim, a strong person or a weak person because I am all of those things for differing reasons. I just hope that I am a good person and one who, one day, will be understood.
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