A month!!!

Nearly a whole month since I last updated! That could mean two things, either things have been so good that I have been too busy to update or things have been so horrendous that I have been unable to put it all down. Thankfully it is mostly the former!!

Things are good, I had my 3rd injection last Wednesday and this time I had to take the children with me. They were really good, they sat and watched and asked questions like "why do you have to have two injections, what is the first one and what is the second one?" and Nursey and I answered them very matter of factly for them. It was a positive experience actually! I wasn't able to get worked out about it and the children learned a bit more and saw what injections look like on some one else!

My moods have really calmed down, I have not had a single "mental phase" at all since the first injection and I have hardly had any bad days at all. I am really looking forward to my review in September to see exactly what the consultants will decide next. Hopefully it will be a very simple procedure to get me booked in for a hysterectomy. I am really positive about it, I know it is final and I am completely happy with it. My life has totally transformed in the last 3 months, I actually have a life again. I no longer have to dread each week and what it will bring, I can plan ahead without having to work out where in my cycle I will be. The feeling of freedom from my own body is exhilarating!

On the flip side, more worms were released from the can. The girl I can always remember being abused by Grandfather is now known to me. We have had contact and we now know about each other. In a way, it has been another nail in his coffin for me. I had always known about her and knew that she was abused and yet I did not know what the connection was or how she came to be at my Grandparents house. She was the one person I knew for a fact was abused. Everyone else throughout my life has been a question mark. Did it happen to my Mum? My Sister? My Cousins? I never had any evidence or concrete reasons to ask anything, for fear of it not happening to them and then being called a liar. But with "C", I knew. I had often looked through my Grandmothers photo albums and seen her and wondered. So, then there were 9. How many more? I don't think we will ever know. Maybe it is best not to.

I had a very strange dream last week. I woke up crying, I was crying so hard in my sleep. I only remember bits of it, but it was all to do with being at a party or something, my Aunt arrived and I went berserk, shouting and screaming and crying. I still have anger issues, but I think they are more sub-concious now. I do feel it every now and then, but I have control over it. I guess it is only natural to be angry? I spent 30 years hiding this secret from my family, then to find out that so many people knew about him and not one person did anything to protect me. 14 years I suffered, 14 years at his hands and everyone else just protected themselves and their own. And now I feel the burn in my chest. That is where the anger is. Just waiting to come out. But I won't let it.

On the positive side of my life, we have a new found social life with wonderful friends and we have a wonderful life right now. It is the people in your life who make your life what it is. Not money or things. Yes, money would help. Lots! But money doesn't buy you the memories which you take forward in your life, and I have lots of good memories to make up for :O)