Random Musings

Something has been niggling away at my brain. I haven't spoken about it to anyone as I don't really know what to say about it all. It has been there for a while now. My Nanny has not phoned me, spoken to me, written to me or had any contact with me since the last can of worms was opened. Not a single bit of contact.

Is this how much I am worth to her? That she can hide her guilt within and carry on her life without having to deal with anything? She can bury it all and not deal with it and cut off anyone who is hurting because she doesn't want to face up to it? As if it isn't bad enough to be let down by her in the first place, now I have been rejected by her too.

Yet the thing is, I am not upset about it to the extent of crying my eyes and willing her to call me. Truth be told, it is quite nice not having to make idle conversation that means fuck all. I am relieved to not have to talk to her because I could not bare to listen to meaningless crap she would talk about. But at the same time, I am scared that now I have lost her altogether. She has terminal Cancer and is 84 years old, she hasn't got many years left in her. She has totally denied all knowledge of my Grandfathers reign of abuse, yet was totally aware and even went so far as to allow him to do it. I should be glad of the lack of contact, I should be glad that she hasn't much time left. But I love her. I can't help it, I cannot switch off all the good memories I have with her, all the hours I have spent on the phone talking meaningless crap! I used to enjoy just hearing her voice, she has such a comforting voice. But that same comforting voice I used to love just sounds like a stranger, and I couldn't wait to get off the phone any time she called.

Why has it all gone so wrong? Everything turned upside down and whilst us lot down here are dealing with the fallout, she has buried her head and refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing, and more than that, refuses to even accept that anything bad has happened at all.

But, moving on, have I updated since my injection??? If I haven't then all was fine! No pain this time, just a bruise and the usual tiredness.

We have some wonderful weather at the moment though so I really don't have anything to complain about!